Wise words from an addict

I attended AA in Altoona today, and this AA like many others has both alcoholics and drug addicts-- this is often the case when a region has a NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I've developed a real soft spot for addicts. The world is kinder to alcoholics and an alcoholic in recovery is almost considered heroic (although I have to confess this is always jaded by the near universal feeling that you could collapse and relapse at any time), but addicts are always disdained- even in recovery. It seems like it's OK for celebrities to be addicts in recovery but society regard run of the mill addicts in recovery with great skepticism. I also feel for addicts because it's much easier to get free from alcohol than drugs (not that it's easy! It's a huge amount of work and pain, but I think the addict has it 5X harder). Today in AA we were talking about loneliness. An addict new to recovery said his disease wanted him to be lonely and isolated. This is a very good expression of reality. My alcoholic brain doesn't work right, and I easily fall into being lonely, isolated, feeling sorry for myself, which is all the path to drinking or using. I am oh so good at being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I'm around family and friends, sometimes I struggle with feeling lonely because of my alcoholic brain, and I need to recognize this and make connections when it happens. Making connections and talking about it always dissipates the power of the loneliness and fear.

Applying AA steps to life

From AA “Daily Reflections”....”.Through the recovery process described in the Big Book, I have come to realize that the same instructions that work on my alcoholism, work on much more. Whenever I am angry or frustrated, I consider the matter a manifestation of the main problem within me, alcoholism. As I "walk" through the Steps, my difficulty is usually dealt with long before I reach the Twelfth "suggestion," and those difficulties that persist are remedied when I make an effort to carry the message to someone else. These principles do solve my problems! I have not encountered an exception, and I have been brought to a way of living which is satisfying and useful.” I was struck by thidbbecause it was so very true for me. Following AA steps taught me how to live. Consider: A) my blood pressure went from 150/94 to 120/80, B) I can ride roller coasters that terrified me before, C) work and personal situations that used to freak me out are handled in due course. It’s a big difference I feel every minute of every day.

Day 180

Today marks 6 months since I quit trying to stop by myself. It is 24 weeks since God took over. Today is 180 days since I had a drink. When I get back to Seneca to my AA home group, I’ll pick up my green poker chip. AA members are an odd group that can be motivated by cheap plastic poker chips and the joy of serenity in knowing you are no longer systematically destroying the lives of everyone you love. It’s a good day.

Things I used to drink over

From a Daily Thought email I receive: “Today I pray over things I used to drink over.” This really reminds me of the central truism is my recover. When I tried, I failed and I drank. When I quit trying and let God run it, I found peace and sobriety.

Matt Talbot

I wear a Matt Talbot pendant and a cross on a chain around my neck. Matt Talbot is the closest thing to the Patron Saint of Alcoholics. He was an Irishman working man who lived in the early 1800’s in Dublin. He started drinking at age 12, but took a pledge to stop when he was 21. He spent his days in prayer and at Mass. Despite being uneducated he wrote deep spiritual insights. Bishops would come to him and ask him to pray. Most of all (to me) he wrote that we should pity the alcoholic because he has no power to help himself. The only thing that can help him is God. That is why I wear the chain as a reminder of that profound truth.

Listen and pray

We have daily readings for AA, and today’s was about helping alcoholics that still suffer. This is often the topic of the readings because it is the central purpose of AA. After instructing is tostay our of other people’s arguments, it says (pardon my paraphrase)the best way to help a suffering alcoholic is to A. listen, B, Share personal experience, and 3) pray for them. Good advice.

Annoyance

From today's AA reading----- AA "Big Book" "When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid, and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising". The reading goes on to apply this to alcoholics in recovery. Believe it or not, it's easy for AA members to get big-headed and intolerant of people who fail in the program. It's human nature, I guess: We start so humbly but after a few successes we begin to feel superior. This feeling in AA always needs to be held in check, as AA works for almost everyone who really tries, puts the time into it, and is completely honest with themselves---HOWEVER, it rarely works the first time. Most people start and stumble, perhaps over and over again until they sort out the depth, meaning and surrender of the steps, the light dawns on them and the process of the 12 steps starts to work.

AA Profound Thoughts

Alcoholics are an interesting group. Many are over-achievers, counter to what you might think. Most are intelligent, and- without exception- all are well-spoken and occasional drop profound thoughts during the meetings. I make it a habit to bring along my blue AA "Big Book" to meetings are write down these thoughts in the available spaces (all of which are almost full). In today's meeting in South Carolina, a man I didn't know said "I had to understand I wasn't a bad man trying to be good. I was a sick man trying to be well.". I never heard this expressed this way, but during my drinking period I hated myself. I knew I was a bad, horrible, unsalvageable person who tried with all his might to be a good person-- and I was constantly failing. The realization that I was sick and needed help and specifically God's help to be better was a huge moment that led immediately to my awakening.

Serenity

From AA Daily Reflection of December 2 SERENITY "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, . . . TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 106 As I continued to go to meetings and work the Steps, something began to happen to me. I felt confused because I wasn't sure what it was that I was feeling, and then I realized I was experiencing serenity. It was a good feeling, but where had it come from? Then I realized it had come ". . .as the result of these steps." The program may not always be easy to practice, but I had to acknowledge that my serenity had come to me after working the Steps. As I work the Steps in everything I do, practicing these principles in all my affairs, now I find that I am awake to God, to others, and to myself. The spiritual awakening I have enjoyed as the result of working the Steps is the awareness that I am no longer alone." For me, it was very much like this. One day I woke up and had a strange feeling. I didn't know what to make of it. After a while, I figured it out: I was happy. I am no longer alone.