The Devil Whispers

The Devil whispers in my ear. It happens infrequently, but it happens from time to time. It used to be the only voice I heard, and I've learned to recognize who's talking. This past weekend, I was asked some simple and encouraging questions about my sobriety, and while I was answering, he started whispering in my ear again. One would think Satan would be very creative, but he's not. He usually says the same things: "When you drink again, everyone will know you're a fake", "You can't go forever without drinking again, that's ridiculous!", and his favorite, "You know you could have just one and manage it". The most helpful part is recognizing who is whispering and it's very helpful. I used to think the whisper was from my conscience and that was a terrible feeling. The whispers are the biggest reason to always go back to AA. It's preventive maintenance and keeps me strong by reminding me of where I was and where I am.

A Dog in a Cage

I met a man, very new to sobriety, who described himself as like a dog in a cage. In his view, in his newfound sobriety, he was only restraining his natural self and eventually he’d come out of his cage and revert to his “natural” behaviors. Early sobriety is difficult. I felt I was acting a role, like I was in a play, and in those days the devil often whispered in my ear that I was just a fraud, pretending to be something I wasn’t. But there is great value in the idea “fake it til you make it”, because as a wiser man than me once said, “you’ve got to quit drinking to learn how to quit drinking”.

Wishing for the end

“He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.152 Only now after 190some days of sobriety, can I honestly look back and admit to myself that this is where I was and was exactly how I felt. Home again after failing everyone again (and each time more spectacularly), horribly at a loss for how it happened. I had tried very hard not to drink, but I couldn’t stop myself from having “just one”, and after that only lord only knows where I’d end up or what I’d do. But despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop drinking. I also knew I couldn’t drink again. And like the excerpt from the AA “Big Book”, I wished for the end. In the darkest moments of that day, my wish was for quiet death to relieve me of the conflict, but this was my weakness crying out in my last empty attempt to achieve control. God heard me, and gave me the strength to yield all of it, and I experienced what recovering alcoholics call “the moment of clarity”, which remains with me today.