Sunday, January 6, 2019
Wishing for the end
“He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.”
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.152
Only now after 190some days of sobriety, can I honestly look back and admit to myself that this is where I was and was exactly how I felt. Home again after failing everyone again (and each time more spectacularly), horribly at a loss for how it happened. I had tried very hard not to drink, but I couldn’t stop myself from having “just one”, and after that only lord only knows where I’d end up or what I’d do. But despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop drinking. I also knew I couldn’t drink again. And like the excerpt from the AA “Big Book”, I wished for the end. In the darkest moments of that day, my wish was for quiet death to relieve me of the conflict, but this was my weakness crying out in my last empty attempt to achieve control. God heard me, and gave me the strength to yield all of it, and I experienced what recovering alcoholics call “the moment of clarity”, which remains with me today.
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