Meditation

On my first day at AA, the man who would become my sponsor gave me my first blue Big Book and told me to begin every day by reading the prayer on page 86. AA endorses meditation and I learned even more from my counselor at Lion Rock. I now meditate on a regular basis, and would hate to live my life without it. This is a meditation prayer suggested by AA in Step 11 of the "12 and 12" book. I believe it is the prayer of St. Francis; "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace- that where there is hatred, I may bring love- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony- that where there is error, I may bring truth- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith- that where there is despair, I may bring hope- that where there are shadows, I may bring light- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than be comforted- to understand, rather than to be understood- to love, than be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."

Wet-brained or Dead

There's a part of the AA Big Book that says without God's help we would end up wet-brained or dead. I see a lot of evidence of this in AA meetings. Sometimes 20-30% of the people in the meeting are wet-brained. They talk with slurred speech and sometimes struggle to get out coherent sentences. I must say despite this, these people sometimes utter profound truths during their sharing, many of I have written in the front of my first Big Book, given to me by my sponsor. Also regularly in attendance at AA meetings are people that spent time in prison, along with people with repeated drunk driving convictions, people with 3+ divorces, people who haven't seen their children or grandchildren in years. It's a painful reminder of how lucky I am, to have been saved from alcoholism by the grace of God before I did something even worse than the foolish, selfish, and reprehensible things that I did to my family. Sometimes people become sober, but it's almost too late because the brain, the person, the family has already been hopelessly damaged.

Friends and Family

During the early period of my sobriety, it was a real puzzle for me how I should manage my relationships with friends and family in relation to alcohol. We got together with friends in LaGrange during the first few weeks of my sobriety, when things were really, really raw. It was difficult. Everyone was drinking and I remember the alcohol all along the kitchen counter (this is normal) and a large basket full of tiny bottles of vodka and gin. The alcohol in the house made my flesh crawl every time I walked through the kitchen to go use the restroom. At one point, Kris got suspicious that I snuck some vodka and I let her drink the water in my glass to prove my innocence. Every time we've gotten together with our LaGrange friends, the drinking continues at the same level before I quit drinking. It doesn't bother me now as I've learned to manage my alcoholism more effectively, but if I'm completely honest I harbored some resentment about this. Everyone knew I was an alcoholic and had quit drinking-- couldn't they stop drinking at these social occasions or at least moderate a little?? In retrospect, I've learned to come to grips with all this by (in AA style) thinking of my own contribution. The fact that I struggled with drinking and was a stupid drunk was not a surprise to my friends, they already knew. But the first visit during my sobriety, everyone was already several drinks in when I arrived and told them I was an alcoholic, I couldn't manage my drinking, and I had stopped drinking altogether. What was everyone to do? Pour their drinks onto the ground? I had surprised everyone and put them in an odd situation. After that night, a precedent had been set. I'm reminded of our family trip to Lake Michigan early in my sobriety. We all struggled with what to do with me. All the previous versions of this annual trip featured alcohol, sometimes prominently. No one knew what to do. At first, the alcohol was out, then it was hidden, consumed in "secret". The basic problem was that I had failed to define what I needed. The cause of this was that I had no idea what I needed or wanted. It was all new to us and we all struggled, maybe me more than anyone. To make things more confusing, I didn't know how I felt from minute to minute. I was often asked if I minded if anyone drank in my presence. Sometimes, I didn't mind at all. Sometimes it made me want to drink. Sometimes it made me want to puke. I have learned that I'm not unusual in this case. Even in AA meetings I have heard long-term sober members say they avoid occasions with alcohol, and others proudly say they don't let alcohol at social occasions bother them. Thank God at this point, my life is a lot easier, I'm comfortable around people drinking and it no longer bothers me.