Meditation

On my first day at AA, the man who would become my sponsor gave me my first blue Big Book and told me to begin every day by reading the prayer on page 86. AA endorses meditation and I learned even more from my counselor at Lion Rock. I now meditate on a regular basis, and would hate to live my life without it. This is a meditation prayer suggested by AA in Step 11 of the "12 and 12" book. I believe it is the prayer of St. Francis; "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace- that where there is hatred, I may bring love- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony- that where there is error, I may bring truth- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith- that where there is despair, I may bring hope- that where there are shadows, I may bring light- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than be comforted- to understand, rather than to be understood- to love, than be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."

Wet-brained or Dead

There's a part of the AA Big Book that says without God's help we would end up wet-brained or dead. I see a lot of evidence of this in AA meetings. Sometimes 20-30% of the people in the meeting are wet-brained. They talk with slurred speech and sometimes struggle to get out coherent sentences. I must say despite this, these people sometimes utter profound truths during their sharing, many of I have written in the front of my first Big Book, given to me by my sponsor. Also regularly in attendance at AA meetings are people that spent time in prison, along with people with repeated drunk driving convictions, people with 3+ divorces, people who haven't seen their children or grandchildren in years. It's a painful reminder of how lucky I am, to have been saved from alcoholism by the grace of God before I did something even worse than the foolish, selfish, and reprehensible things that I did to my family. Sometimes people become sober, but it's almost too late because the brain, the person, the family has already been hopelessly damaged.

Friends and Family

During the early period of my sobriety, it was a real puzzle for me how I should manage my relationships with friends and family in relation to alcohol. We got together with friends in LaGrange during the first few weeks of my sobriety, when things were really, really raw. It was difficult. Everyone was drinking and I remember the alcohol all along the kitchen counter (this is normal) and a large basket full of tiny bottles of vodka and gin. The alcohol in the house made my flesh crawl every time I walked through the kitchen to go use the restroom. At one point, Kris got suspicious that I snuck some vodka and I let her drink the water in my glass to prove my innocence. Every time we've gotten together with our LaGrange friends, the drinking continues at the same level before I quit drinking. It doesn't bother me now as I've learned to manage my alcoholism more effectively, but if I'm completely honest I harbored some resentment about this. Everyone knew I was an alcoholic and had quit drinking-- couldn't they stop drinking at these social occasions or at least moderate a little?? In retrospect, I've learned to come to grips with all this by (in AA style) thinking of my own contribution. The fact that I struggled with drinking and was a stupid drunk was not a surprise to my friends, they already knew. But the first visit during my sobriety, everyone was already several drinks in when I arrived and told them I was an alcoholic, I couldn't manage my drinking, and I had stopped drinking altogether. What was everyone to do? Pour their drinks onto the ground? I had surprised everyone and put them in an odd situation. After that night, a precedent had been set. I'm reminded of our family trip to Lake Michigan early in my sobriety. We all struggled with what to do with me. All the previous versions of this annual trip featured alcohol, sometimes prominently. No one knew what to do. At first, the alcohol was out, then it was hidden, consumed in "secret". The basic problem was that I had failed to define what I needed. The cause of this was that I had no idea what I needed or wanted. It was all new to us and we all struggled, maybe me more than anyone. To make things more confusing, I didn't know how I felt from minute to minute. I was often asked if I minded if anyone drank in my presence. Sometimes, I didn't mind at all. Sometimes it made me want to drink. Sometimes it made me want to puke. I have learned that I'm not unusual in this case. Even in AA meetings I have heard long-term sober members say they avoid occasions with alcohol, and others proudly say they don't let alcohol at social occasions bother them. Thank God at this point, my life is a lot easier, I'm comfortable around people drinking and it no longer bothers me.

Strange Places

I travel a lot, and go to AA in a lot of different places. I've been to meetings in South Carolina, Kentucky, Ohio, Michigan, Budapest, and Paris. Most recently, I went to an AA meeting in Altoona. They are all the same, following AA principles and the basic meeting guideline, but are also different in odd ways. Today's topic in AA was the Daily Reading about how all alcoholics are equal in our weakness and difficulty, and that we don't worry about things that make us different like income, social status, prison records, etc... This really came home in Altoona where we meeting in a tiny room in a rickety building that seems to have been built by Amateurs. Sitting at the table in uncomfortable chairs was a pretty rough looking group, including me. Yet, at this meeting I heard some of the best insights I've heard anywhere. Alcoholics are a very strange group and very difficult to judge.

Uncle Hiram

Alcoholism is in my DNA. My body doesn't process alcohol like a normal person and the toxic (and carcinogenic) acetaldehyde stays in my system and sits in the fluid around my brain. There's nothing I did to cause it. I was born with it. My parents never drank. On my father's side, his parents never drank. I do family genealogy, and one person on that side stands out. The family moved to Indiana, bought a farm and started to make a life of it, but (as tradition says) Uncle Hiram "drank up the farm". I always wonder if this is where my bad DNA came from, and if my other ancestors were spared because they simply never drank alcohol...? Poor Uncle Hiram.

"Dubious Luxury"

AA is very flexible, yet completely inflexible. Each group operates independently, guided by only a few simple rules- yet some things are common to every AA on the planet. One is the "Big Book"- the chronically blue large volume that guide alcoholics everyhere, and another is "Daily Reflections", covering each day of the calendar year. Today's Reflection is "Anger- a Dubious Luxury". Here it is--- "If we were to live, we had to be free from anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may the the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things were poison." As an alcoholic, I have an irreversible medical condition. It is embedded in my DNA. I can't change it. To make things worse, my behavior has cemented that neural pathway to cope with unhappiness, depression, etc... As a result, I need to work constantly to control my behavior-- not to be passive and without emotion, but to accept things around me instead of building up anger and resentment. I can't carry these things around or they will destroy me. A normal person can be mad for years about something--- this is the dubious luxury-- but I cannot.

Yeller Chip

I received my yellow 9 month chip from AA in Walhalla last night. By tradition in Walhalla this is called the "yeller" chip because of how some long past member used to pronounce "yellow". It was nice-- lots of applause, hugs and congratulations. I really appreciate the Walhalla group that got me through a lot of the difficult early AA Steps. That being said, I'm kind of tired marking time and getting chips, which I suppose is normal. After this, I'll get a chip on my anniversary and another one every year after.