AA Profound Thoughts

Alcoholics are an interesting group. Many are over-achievers, counter to what you might think. Most are intelligent, and- without exception- all are well-spoken and occasional drop profound thoughts during the meetings. I make it a habit to bring along my blue AA "Big Book" to meetings are write down these thoughts in the available spaces (all of which are almost full). In today's meeting in South Carolina, a man I didn't know said "I had to understand I wasn't a bad man trying to be good. I was a sick man trying to be well.". I never heard this expressed this way, but during my drinking period I hated myself. I knew I was a bad, horrible, unsalvageable person who tried with all his might to be a good person-- and I was constantly failing. The realization that I was sick and needed help and specifically God's help to be better was a huge moment that led immediately to my awakening.

Serenity

From AA Daily Reflection of December 2 SERENITY "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, . . . TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 106 As I continued to go to meetings and work the Steps, something began to happen to me. I felt confused because I wasn't sure what it was that I was feeling, and then I realized I was experiencing serenity. It was a good feeling, but where had it come from? Then I realized it had come ". . .as the result of these steps." The program may not always be easy to practice, but I had to acknowledge that my serenity had come to me after working the Steps. As I work the Steps in everything I do, practicing these principles in all my affairs, now I find that I am awake to God, to others, and to myself. The spiritual awakening I have enjoyed as the result of working the Steps is the awareness that I am no longer alone." For me, it was very much like this. One day I woke up and had a strange feeling. I didn't know what to make of it. After a while, I figured it out: I was happy. I am no longer alone.

AA Thanksgiving

I went to AA today in Pennsylvania. The room was packed and it was a very emotional meeting. One man recently sober, talked about the change in his life since he stopped drinking, but how he was still torn apart because his family wouldn't have anything to do with him. Change will come in time, and several of us stayed after the meeting to talk with him. Alcohol is a terrible thing, with the way it tears an individual apart, then uses that to destroy all of his relationships. I am thankful to have been sober for 147 days.

Changing Meds

I've always been a sleepwalker and a sleep talker, going way back to my childhood. After I started taking Naltrexone, a medication to block the effect of alcohol, the dreams got weirder. Very vivid and I would often hit the wall, or throw my phone across the room. But recently, it's been off the charts. I've been standing up and screaming at night, waking up my family and probably the neighbors. More than once, I've fallen while trying to run from something I dreamed of. I gave up yesterday and went to see Dr. Gabby. He thinks it's related to Phenedrine that I take as part of a weight loss program. I've been taken off Naltrexone and everything else for a couple of weeks to see if it helps. It's been four days now, and I don't feel any difference without the Naltrexone, although honestly prefer taking it just because it gives me a backup plan.

Pre-Thanksgiving

I am learning that Thanksgiving is a big holiday at AA. Some meetings discuss a tradition or a specific step, and the discussions are interesting and sometimes almost academic. But discussions in AA this week have all been about thankfulness. People tell their stories and it's very moving-- sometimes it's hard to hear. I almost cried twice in the last meeting I attended. Alcohol is a terrible thing and destroys people, relationships and families. Sometimes it's difficult to hear about the horrible things that have happened to people. I've also learned that for AA members, going to an AA Meeting on Thanksgiving is a little like the wayward Christian going to church on Easter Sunday. This Thanksgiving, I'll be visiting a meeting in Altoona, so it should be interesting.

Criticism

AA meetings are always interesting. Sometimes fun, sometimes heartwrenching, but always interesting. Most days, there is a reading (and sometimes a very long one, like an entire chapter in the Big Book) with people making comments on what is read, but today we had an open discussion meeting. The leader introduced a topic and everyone shared. Sometimes it applied to the topic, sometimes it didn't but everyone shared from the hearts. The topic was criticism. As the newbie, I went first and talked about how critical I had been of Kris and by extension the kids for so long. I was critical of everything she did and said. I was so predictable in this that my tendency to oppose anything she said would have been a running joke if there had been anything funny about it. I did this out of embedded angry over stupid unresolved issues for which I am entirely to blame and the root cause of that is my own selfishness. Many other people shared similar things, but it was driven home how many people have been terrible damaged by the fierce criticism, physical and sexual abuse during childhood from the adults in the lives (and sadly, these adults are usually the parents). AA meetings aren't about crying and horror stories, but tonight there were a lot of 40-70 year olds who broke down talking about the things that happened to them when they were children. Losing a parent as a child is surely a horrible, devastating tragedy, but it has to be almost nothing next to living with a parent that gives you nothing but manipulation, abuse, hostility and hatred. It's not OK for anyone to abuse alcohol, but I fully understand why people who were raised in the hellish environments do.

Collectable Quotes

At my first AA Meeting, my sponsor Joe gave me a Big Book- sort of the Bible of AA. I record meetings and places, sober days, and other information in this book. I also write down memorable quotes I hear during meetings. I thought it might be interesting to share a sample. "When you pick up a drink, the drink takes you...and you don't know where it's going to go." Walhalla 6/18, "I know what I can revert back to, and it's always just one drink away" Walhalla, 5/18, "God's plans for Rob are better than Rob's plans for Rob" Florence, 6/18, "Pain is inevitable, misery is optional" Florence, 6/18, "The problem wasn't that I drank too much, the problem was that I didn't know how to live", Florence, 6/18, "I had to learn to help people and accept help. Accepting help was hard", Florence, 5/18, "Every problem has a solution, it's just a question of how much effort it takes to do it", Florence 5/18.