30 Seconds

The old AA adage is to take it 24 hours at a time. The extension of that adage is that sometimes it's 10 minutes at a time. For me, it seems like it's usually 30 seconds. I haven't really had any strong urges to drink during my most recent sobriety period, but I have had many moments where I had to make a decision quickly, often when I was surprised. For example, I was in a Gas Station getting a Diet Coke and saw not only beer but hard alcohol and wine near the cooler. This really surprised me and threw me off. It sent a bit of a shock through my system, and I stepped back, re-gathered myself, got my pop and walked out. I've already written about another time I went into an airport lounge at 8 AM and was confronted with a shelf full of every kind of hard liquor you could imagine. In that case, I got some cereal and sat down on the other side of the lounge. The real trick to this is that I actually don't have to make an active decision. Sometimes I can just not make a decision at all. These things come in waves, the shock or surprise passes in 10-30 seconds and it's gone. I got my 90 day coin this week in South Carolina and today is my actual 90th day. My drinking seems so far away and at the same time it feels like it was yesterday. I have a lot of confidence in my continued recovery and, maybe for the first time, I can say I'm comfortable with it. By this I mean I don't feel tension, anxiety, or nervousness when I think about staying sober. It's starting to feel very normal. Why is this? I think part of it is just the passage of time. It's the "new normal". Part of it is that in the past I had long periods of abstaining from alcohol (e.g. when we went to the Baptist Church in Elkhart), so now I'm returning to a familiar behavior pattern that I recognize, a little like getting on a bicycle after having not ridden one for several years. The final part I learning new behaviors to undo damage from my drinking days, including 1) When confronted with the urge to drink "eat a sandwich, say a prayer and wait 10 minutes" is my personal coping strategy. I have to admit that I've never had to use this one, but I think it would be very effective- alcoholics don't eat when they drink(it kills the effect, so what's the point), even a bad prayer is a great deterrent, and cravings come in waves that you just need to wait out. 2) Don't go or leave early. When confronted with a difficult situation, I can just leave-- or just not go in the first place. I've used this on work trips. I backed out of the wine tasting in France, for obvious reasons. Another night we had dinner and it turned out they had an hour of cocktails first. I drank a Perrier, talked to the important people, skipped dinner and went back to the hotel and ordered room service. 3) Make the world a little more friendly. I'll always encounter alcohol everywhere, but I now take some simple steps to make it a little better. I usually stay at Hilton's when I travel and my profile says to remove the alcohol from the mini-bar. I now take short layovers on flights so I have less dead time in airports. My Delta profile now says not to bump me up to First Class so I don't have to cope with free unlimited alcohol (and seatmates drinking Bloody Mary's). Every little bit helps. and 4) 30 seconds. When confronted with the thought of drinking, decide not to- but if you can't, at least don't make a decision for 30 seconds while the shock passes.

To Lion Rock or Not?

I had a lot of time to consider whether to continue in Lion Rock or not. I wasn't so sure. Financially, everything was OK, but sometimes the Group Sessions really bring me down. In the end, I decided (at least for now) it's a net positive and I will continue with it. I have doubts about this, but time will tell. Honestly, the key factor was that if I quit I can't get back in, but if I stay in, I can quit any time.

Positive or Negative?

One thing I consistently struggle with in recovery is the other people I encounter. My recovery is going very well, and I feel very strong and a changed person on the inside, but alcoholism and addiction is a terrible thing and I am reminded of that at nearly every group counseling session and every AA meeting. I may not see these people very often, but relationships grow very quickly as we share a bond as alcoholics trying to recover. I feel very close to all of these people very fast. When they struggle, and they often do, it really bothers me. T from Walhalla was in every meeting for the first 3 weeks I went to AA then disappeared, only to reappear and take a white chip again a month later. J from Florence and I hit it off and started to go to AA at about the same time. A smart guy and professional writer, he too disappeared for a while, returned and claimed to have been sober (he was lying and everyone knew it-- alcoholics cannot fool other alcoholics). J in Lion Rock has been married about the same number of years as me and was ahead of me in recovery time-- he went on a 4 day relapse, returned for one meeting and has been gone for a month. C at Lion Rock is a funny, quirky accountant who had been on leave to go to rehab-- he was dreading his first day back to work and relapsed the night before and we haven't heard from him since. B at Lion Rock relapsed in an airport after 80 days of sobriety. J in my IOP relapses about every two weeks like clockwork- he has no relationships and no support network. T in my IOP falls apart every time they leave rehab or a Sober Living Community. Sometimes this environment is very hard to take. Last night I was feeling so positive and happy about the many wonderful things in our lives, and after group counseling I felt almost disabled. Is this interaction a positive or a negative for me? I waiver on this, but I think it's an over all positive. There's some value in being reminded of the horrible effects of alcoholism. One thing I struggle with is that I just really want to help-- but I'm far to early in my own recovery to start working on other people. I have my hands full dealing with myself. I also need to get to AA more often because there are many positive stories there--- I know many people who are 20+ years of sobriety. Obviously, I don't encounter those people at the Intensive Outpatient Group Counseling Sessions....

Ambivalence?

I struggle with part of my renewed life— where does yielding to God end and ambivalence begin? I have a new job opportunity in the company. I think it sounds good, but I’m yielding to God’s will. Honestly, I’m 100% OK with however it works out. How do I express this in my interview? If I said something like that, it’d sound like I didn’t care. I’ve been guilty many times of wanting what I wanted and asking God to give me a boost. This is the wrong approach and the right way is to yield to God’s will, but I can have an opinion, I can have goals, right? Maybe someday I’ll understand how this should work.

First Class

For my flights on Monday and Tuesday, I got upgraded to First Class on all four flights. Tonight, I called Delta and asked to be moved back to Economy. I also asked them to change my profile so I wouldn’t receive any more free upgrades in the future (I fly enough I receive a free upgrade almost every time). First Class is nice, but alcohol is free and most people drink on the plane. I once drank an entire bottle of wine on the plane before an International flight. It’s true you can still buy booze in coach, but the booziness of First Class is just not a good place for me. I’ve done something similar with Hilton. I travel enough, my Hilton profile included an option for a complimentary bottle of wine. Now (after some effort) my Hilton profile says to take everything out of the mini-bar before I arrive. Neither of these are huge sacrifices, but they’re just some of the odd steps you take as a recovering alcoholic.

Ghosts

I see ghosts everywhere. They’re always lurking in shadows and around corners waiting to surprise and horrify me. For me, those ghosts are from all the bad things I did drinking. My ghosts aren’t in scary old houses, they’re all around me. My ghosts are in the Yaris, the car I drive drunk for hours. They’re at South Cove Park where I had my last relapse, in my bedroom where I got drunk many times, the Thornton’s where I stopped when I was driving drunk with Kurt in the car, my blue shirt I wore the night I blacked out in Chicago, and so much more. I hate these ghosts but they have a purpose. That purpose is to remind me of how awful it was when I was drinking, just to make sure I never forget.

Thinking about things backwards.....

I have to give credit to Kris for this thought, but I'm happy to steal it! In regard to me and the eternal bugaboo of potential relapses, people tend to think of everything backwards. I find everyone is worried if I have stress, get depressed, have a bad day, get angry, stub my toe, or don't like my lunch that I might relapse. In fact, I never drank because something bad happened to me. I know that was the reason I gave at the time (e.g. I was sad about going to the dog house, I had to do the taxes, I was depressed, etc...), but I've grown to understand myself much better. I didn't drink because something bad happened to me. I drank because I was emotionally and mentally compromised and ill equipped to cope with the bad things that happened to me. Consider this---- much worse things have happened to people than I ever experienced, yet some of those people didn't drink. The reasons I did were medical, mental and emotional, but one of the big factors was that I was so messed up inside I couldn't deal with even minor bits of adversity. In short, please don't worry about me so much if some small thing goes wrong- that was never the cause of the problem. It is much more important to focus on my big picture mental and physical health and well-being.