Allergies

My counselor used an example that was very helpful to me in understanding my self. When alcohol, my body chemistry and my spiritual state combine, they create an allergic reaction. Some of this, I firmly believe is genetic (I am convinced alcoholism is passed in our DNA), part is chemical (alcoholics are proven to process alcohol differently than normal people- we are irreparably broken in this way), and part is spiritual. Regardless of the factors, it is an allergy. If I ingest alcohol it creates a series of horrendous effect which I cannot control. My Counselor said try to control alcoholism by willpower is the same as if a person with a peanut allergy decided that they were going to eat peanuts, but this time they were going to try really, really hard not to have the throat swell up and their breathing stop. It's a real puzzle. I cannot "try" my way out of alcoholism. I cannot "will my way through it". It's impossible. Oddly, the solution is to not try. If I don't try, I just let God handle it (and I must say he's been doing a pretty danged could job the last several days!). God's power is a power that surpasses anything I can ever do. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize the solution to my problem was to not try at all.

Frustration

Sorry for not writing anything yesterday. I'm feeling wordy and I'm sure I'll catch up with things today. Yesterday was busy. AA in the morning, mowing the lawn, followed by an 8 mile kayak trip that somehow took almost 6 hours. I wanted to be back from kayaking by 4:30 so I could finish everything in my Inventory, then go to my first IOP session at 6:30. Our phones got wet about 3 minutes into the kayak trip, so we used our skill of estimating time by looking at the position of the sun. I guess we didn't do too well, because we thought we were finishing our trip at about 3:30 and were almost 3 hours off. Now, for most people this may not have been a big deal, but for me it's the kind of thing that causes a lot of frustration. It's not just that we were late or missed something, I'm not a stickler on schedule, but I extrapolate. To me, that means my inventory will remain open and I wanted to close it when I was at home and not quite as emotionally vulnerable. Missing the first group counseling meeting meant that I had missed my first opportunity and was off to a bad start with everyone. Since I was off to a bad start, this meant the whole thing would go bad. Since I missed the meeting that would mean that I wouldn't even start group sessions until Monday, and this would disappoint all the people who love me and are so invested in my recovery and that meant they would be even more worried about me during my upcoming trip. I know, that sounds pretty crazy, but that's the way my brain works. In my professional life, believe it or not, this thinking pattern is an asset. Everyone works on the crisis of the day and I can look ahead and understand what the chain of consequences might be. I've prevented a number of horrible issues because of this and am actually a little famous for my foresight. I actually get pulled in to a lot of hot issues because I'm very good at "If this, then that" thinking. Now, this kind of thing would never have caused me to drink- but it's a good chance for me to use some skills to manage my anxiety. I slowed myself down and started to take the pieces of the issue rationally. First, I had to talk about it. I talked openly to Kris and actually expressed my feeling. Next, I'm home all week and there's plenty of time to work on my inventory. Also, I've already uncovered my nightmare issues, what I have to do now is complete the paperwork so I can go to the next step. Second, I wanted to blame all this on Kris (she kept wanting to stop and swim because it was so hot), but actually we both estimated the time. Finally, I had to think through consequences in detail and understand the nightmare scenario wasn't reality. I'm getting help, I'm in good shape, and waiting to Monday is not a big deal. Also, I have a 1-1 session tomorrow so I'm really worried about nothing. In the end, they didn't have the meeting because it was a holiday, so go figure. All of that anxiety for nothing. But for me, it was a really good overall experience.

My Higher Power

I had a 60 minute orientation with my IOP tonight. The presenter was a very sassy Puerto Rican lady named Theresa. She presented the basic recovery process steps and the trait gift we get from each step. 1.Recognizing you have a problem (=Honesty), 2.admitting you can't fix the problem (=Integrity), 3.realizing only God can solve your problem (=faith), and 4.admitting what we are responsible for (=courage). I've had trouble at all these steps,but my biggest issue was that I was harboring a secret belief that I could actually manage this on my own. Perhaps I needed a little help, but that was all. After all, I'm a problem solver. It's what I do for a living. My family comes to me with all kinds of problems on a regular basis. But I had to admit (finally) this was a problem I couldn't solve. She said some people don't like to talk about God in these steps so they say "Higher Power" instead. She said when she came to step 3, she already knew her Higher Power. It was alcohol. Her God was alcohol. She'd do anything for it. She'd sacrifice her safety, her family, her job... all for alcohol. It's clear that alcohol was in charge. I said it sounded like a cult- you give up everything for your master and get nothing in return. I can say her experience was the same as mine. The Bible talks a lot about worshipping false gods. I always thought this meant statues and idols, but for me my false god, my Higher Power, was alcohol. It was Friday last when I surrendered control and put God in place as my God again.

Stressed Out!

I've been feeling very good the past few days. Much of this is because I've been surrounded by people that love me and it's very uplifting, some of this is because the AA process has already helped me, and some of it is because I'm looking forward to my IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). However, it hasn't all been sunshine and roses. I was extremely stressed out yesterday. I felt some letdown after getting the meds and IOP all lined up (e.g. the day after Christmas letdown), but I had used most of the day on it, and I still had a bunch of stuff to do for work. The Europe meeting is coming up and I was rearranging flights and hotels, and I have major presentations to do that aren't ready yet. Also, the VP of Ops is on my case about pool heater systems that he thought had a defect which would cause them to explode (it won't, so swim without fear). In addition, my new meds are pretty harsh and I was very worried about having a severe reaction (I didn't- worst case is I feel like I had Dayquil). You know what? Zero urge to drink. I talked about things with Mom- who gave me some great advice, slowed myself down and started dealing with the things I had to deal with right now. Within 10 minutes I was OK. It was a great experience. It felt good to handle stress and worry like a normal person again.

Big Day

Today was a big day. Most of you know the details already but I want to write about it. Looking back, I did some heavy praying and soul-baring self-confrontation Thursday night into Friday morning. In the end I knw that God would provide on this at lead me out. Today is just another example. On Friday, Mom and I were driving to LaGrange and had this idea that there might be some medicine that would make me sick if I drank alcohol, but we really wanted to start before my trip overseas to help me and give everyone some piece of mind. We called one place this morning and they said "No". I had to be in there counseling group and many other things. In desperation, Mom said to try Independence Family Medicine. When I called and said what I wanted they asked for my name and birthdate. When I told them, they surprised me by saying that my Doctor was Debbie, but she was out so I could see Doctor Gabby at 11, 1:20, or 2 TODAY. I was stunned. I had never been to that Doctor before and it usually takes 2-3 MONTHS before they will see a new patient. This place had me as an established patient??? AND they would see me this morning???? Of course I did not bother to correct them. At 11, Mom and I showed up to check in at the office and said a quick prayer in the car before going in. They lady asked me if I stilled lived on Cheyenne Street and if I was still married to Leah. "Nope" I said. The ladies at reception couldn't find my records. All 3 of them huddled together at the desk trying to figure out, while Mom and I tried to act chill. Finally, one lady said "well, I can't figure out what happened but I'll just fill it in like you're a new patient, then you can go to see the Doctor". After our appointment was over, we chatted with the same lady during checkout and she said "Daniel Othelsomething" and I had the same birthdate and the receptionist thought I was him when I checked him. We were sure she figured out I wasn't a legit established patient, but was just being nice to let us in to see the Doctor. At the end of this story, I have the medication. I blocks alcohol in my system so I can't get drunk and will make me violently ill if I drink alcohol. We've applied to our insurance for the version that comes in an injection, but we're very grateful for what we have. I thank God and I thank Him for my inspired, intelligent, and crafty wife. More on this later....

The "24 Hour Plan"

Using the 24-hour plan In our drinking days, we often had such bad times that we swore, "Never again." We took pledges for as long as a year, or promised someone we would not touch the stuff for three weeks, or three months. And of course, we tried going on the wagon for various periods of time. We were absolutely sincere when we voiced these declarations through gritted teeth. With all our hearts, we wanted never to be drunk again. We were determined. We swore off drinking altogether, intending to stay off alcohol well into some indefinite future. Yet, in spite of our intentions, the outcome was almost inevitably the same. Eventually, the memory of the vows, and of the suffering that led to them, faded. We drank again, and we wound up in more trouble. Our dry "forever" had not lasted very long. Some of us who took such pledges had a private reservation: We told ourselves that the promise not to drink applied only to "hard stuff," not to beer or wine. In that way we learned, if we did not already know it, that beer and wine could get us drunk, too—we just had to drink more of them to get the same effects we got on distilled spirits. We wound up as stoned on beer or wine as we had been before on the hard stuff. Yes, others of us did give up alcohol completely and did keep our pledges exactly as promised, until the time was up.... Then we ended the drought by drinking again, and were soon right back in trouble, with an additional load of new guilt and remorse. With such struggles behind us now, in AA we try to avoid the expressions "on the wagon" and "taking the pledge." They remind us of our failures. Although we realize that alcoholism is a permanent, irreversible condition, our experience has taught us to make no long-term promises about staying sober. We have found it more realistic—and more successful—to say, "I am not taking a drink just for today." Even if we drank yesterday, we can plan not to drink today. We may drink tomorrow—who knows whether we'll even be alive then?—but for this 24 hours, we decide not to drink. No matter what the temptation or provocation, we determine to go to any extremes necessary to avoid a drink today. Our friends and families are understandably weary of hearing us vow "This time I really mean it," only to see us lurch home loaded. So we do not promise them, or even each other, not to drink. Each of us promises only herself or himself. It is, after all, our own health and life at stake. We, not our family or friends, have to take the necessary steps to stay well. If the desire to drink is really strong, many of us chop the 24 hours down into smaller parts. We decide not to drink for, say, at least one hour. We can endure the temporary discomfort of not drinking for just one more hour; then one more, and so on. Many of us began our recovery in just this way. In fact, every recovery from alcoholism began with one sober hour. One version of this is simply postponing the (next) drink. (How about it? Still sipping soda? Have you really postponed that drink we mentioned back on page 1? If so, this can be the beginning of your recovery.) The next drink will be available later, but right now, we postpone taking it at least for the present day, or moment (Say, for the rest of this page?) The 24-hour plan is very flexible. We can start it afresh at any time, wherever we are. At home, at work, in a bar or in a hospital room, at 4:00 p.m. or at 3:00 a.m., we can decide right then not to take a drink during the forthcoming 24 hours, or five minutes. Continually renewed, this plan avoids the weakness of such methods as going on the wagon or taking a pledge. A period on the wagon and a pledge both eventually came, as planned, to an end—so we felt free to drink again. But today is always here, life is daily; today is all we have; and anybody can go one day without drinking. First, we try living in the now just in order to stay sober—and it works. Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is an effective and satisfying way to handle many other matters as well

A good day

Yesterday was easy for me at Keplingers. We've been very open with our friends about my alcoholism, and honestly they'd all be weirded out if I drank. I also had a very, very good talk with Grandma and she gave me a book to read. As someone with a Masters Degree in Biology, she has done some research on the biology that goes along with alcoholism that may help me manage my life better. I'll post on that later, but I need to research it and understand it better first.