Frustration

Sorry for not writing anything yesterday. I'm feeling wordy and I'm sure I'll catch up with things today. Yesterday was busy. AA in the morning, mowing the lawn, followed by an 8 mile kayak trip that somehow took almost 6 hours. I wanted to be back from kayaking by 4:30 so I could finish everything in my Inventory, then go to my first IOP session at 6:30. Our phones got wet about 3 minutes into the kayak trip, so we used our skill of estimating time by looking at the position of the sun. I guess we didn't do too well, because we thought we were finishing our trip at about 3:30 and were almost 3 hours off. Now, for most people this may not have been a big deal, but for me it's the kind of thing that causes a lot of frustration. It's not just that we were late or missed something, I'm not a stickler on schedule, but I extrapolate. To me, that means my inventory will remain open and I wanted to close it when I was at home and not quite as emotionally vulnerable. Missing the first group counseling meeting meant that I had missed my first opportunity and was off to a bad start with everyone. Since I was off to a bad start, this meant the whole thing would go bad. Since I missed the meeting that would mean that I wouldn't even start group sessions until Monday, and this would disappoint all the people who love me and are so invested in my recovery and that meant they would be even more worried about me during my upcoming trip. I know, that sounds pretty crazy, but that's the way my brain works. In my professional life, believe it or not, this thinking pattern is an asset. Everyone works on the crisis of the day and I can look ahead and understand what the chain of consequences might be. I've prevented a number of horrible issues because of this and am actually a little famous for my foresight. I actually get pulled in to a lot of hot issues because I'm very good at "If this, then that" thinking. Now, this kind of thing would never have caused me to drink- but it's a good chance for me to use some skills to manage my anxiety. I slowed myself down and started to take the pieces of the issue rationally. First, I had to talk about it. I talked openly to Kris and actually expressed my feeling. Next, I'm home all week and there's plenty of time to work on my inventory. Also, I've already uncovered my nightmare issues, what I have to do now is complete the paperwork so I can go to the next step. Second, I wanted to blame all this on Kris (she kept wanting to stop and swim because it was so hot), but actually we both estimated the time. Finally, I had to think through consequences in detail and understand the nightmare scenario wasn't reality. I'm getting help, I'm in good shape, and waiting to Monday is not a big deal. Also, I have a 1-1 session tomorrow so I'm really worried about nothing. In the end, they didn't have the meeting because it was a holiday, so go figure. All of that anxiety for nothing. But for me, it was a really good overall experience.