"Dubious Luxury"

AA is very flexible, yet completely inflexible. Each group operates independently, guided by only a few simple rules- yet some things are common to every AA on the planet. One is the "Big Book"- the chronically blue large volume that guide alcoholics everyhere, and another is "Daily Reflections", covering each day of the calendar year. Today's Reflection is "Anger- a Dubious Luxury". Here it is--- "If we were to live, we had to be free from anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may the the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things were poison." As an alcoholic, I have an irreversible medical condition. It is embedded in my DNA. I can't change it. To make things worse, my behavior has cemented that neural pathway to cope with unhappiness, depression, etc... As a result, I need to work constantly to control my behavior-- not to be passive and without emotion, but to accept things around me instead of building up anger and resentment. I can't carry these things around or they will destroy me. A normal person can be mad for years about something--- this is the dubious luxury-- but I cannot.

Yeller Chip

I received my yellow 9 month chip from AA in Walhalla last night. By tradition in Walhalla this is called the "yeller" chip because of how some long past member used to pronounce "yellow". It was nice-- lots of applause, hugs and congratulations. I really appreciate the Walhalla group that got me through a lot of the difficult early AA Steps. That being said, I'm kind of tired marking time and getting chips, which I suppose is normal. After this, I'll get a chip on my anniversary and another one every year after.

9 months

A few days ago, I passed the milestone for 9 months of sobriety. Tonight, I'm back in South Carolina and will go to my home meeting in Walhalla (isn't it weird my "home" AA meeting is in Walhalla, SC?) to get my 9 month chip. I remember one of my early meetings when I guy spoke during the meeting and said, very happily, that tonight he would be picking up his 9 month chip. I thought this was a real impossibility for me. Even though I'm surrounded in AA by people who have been sober for years (some for 30-40 years), this seemed abstract to me just starting out. Nine months seemed much closer to me and all the more impossible. Remember that I had to go through my first 30 days three times before it took. I haven't been to this meeting for months (I've been to meetings in Florence, KY, Budapest and Paris), so it's been a long time since I've seen these people. It will be fun to pick up that chip and add it to my key chain. I think it's very cool that I'm picking up this chip on the same day we learn what day Lyla will be born. It's a great reminder of how changed life is now.

Fast Recovery

There is much about AA and achieving and maintaining sobriety. One of those things is “fast recovery”, which is considered a safer. The big book talks about the danger of a person who wants to make everything better by the weekend. This is a great way to flame out because sobriety is a cold hard unrelenting slog. It can be brutally hard work, and it can only be done one bit, one day at a time. In my own case, I hit or was near 30 days twice and flamed out. Reality is not many people show up at AA, pick up a white chip and never drink again. It takes time, learning, and growth.

The Devil Whispers

The Devil whispers in my ear. It happens infrequently, but it happens from time to time. It used to be the only voice I heard, and I've learned to recognize who's talking. This past weekend, I was asked some simple and encouraging questions about my sobriety, and while I was answering, he started whispering in my ear again. One would think Satan would be very creative, but he's not. He usually says the same things: "When you drink again, everyone will know you're a fake", "You can't go forever without drinking again, that's ridiculous!", and his favorite, "You know you could have just one and manage it". The most helpful part is recognizing who is whispering and it's very helpful. I used to think the whisper was from my conscience and that was a terrible feeling. The whispers are the biggest reason to always go back to AA. It's preventive maintenance and keeps me strong by reminding me of where I was and where I am.

A Dog in a Cage

I met a man, very new to sobriety, who described himself as like a dog in a cage. In his view, in his newfound sobriety, he was only restraining his natural self and eventually he’d come out of his cage and revert to his “natural” behaviors. Early sobriety is difficult. I felt I was acting a role, like I was in a play, and in those days the devil often whispered in my ear that I was just a fraud, pretending to be something I wasn’t. But there is great value in the idea “fake it til you make it”, because as a wiser man than me once said, “you’ve got to quit drinking to learn how to quit drinking”.

Wishing for the end

“He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.152 Only now after 190some days of sobriety, can I honestly look back and admit to myself that this is where I was and was exactly how I felt. Home again after failing everyone again (and each time more spectacularly), horribly at a loss for how it happened. I had tried very hard not to drink, but I couldn’t stop myself from having “just one”, and after that only lord only knows where I’d end up or what I’d do. But despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop drinking. I also knew I couldn’t drink again. And like the excerpt from the AA “Big Book”, I wished for the end. In the darkest moments of that day, my wish was for quiet death to relieve me of the conflict, but this was my weakness crying out in my last empty attempt to achieve control. God heard me, and gave me the strength to yield all of it, and I experienced what recovering alcoholics call “the moment of clarity”, which remains with me today.