AA Thanksgiving

I went to AA today in Pennsylvania. The room was packed and it was a very emotional meeting. One man recently sober, talked about the change in his life since he stopped drinking, but how he was still torn apart because his family wouldn't have anything to do with him. Change will come in time, and several of us stayed after the meeting to talk with him. Alcohol is a terrible thing, with the way it tears an individual apart, then uses that to destroy all of his relationships. I am thankful to have been sober for 147 days.

Changing Meds

I've always been a sleepwalker and a sleep talker, going way back to my childhood. After I started taking Naltrexone, a medication to block the effect of alcohol, the dreams got weirder. Very vivid and I would often hit the wall, or throw my phone across the room. But recently, it's been off the charts. I've been standing up and screaming at night, waking up my family and probably the neighbors. More than once, I've fallen while trying to run from something I dreamed of. I gave up yesterday and went to see Dr. Gabby. He thinks it's related to Phenedrine that I take as part of a weight loss program. I've been taken off Naltrexone and everything else for a couple of weeks to see if it helps. It's been four days now, and I don't feel any difference without the Naltrexone, although honestly prefer taking it just because it gives me a backup plan.

Pre-Thanksgiving

I am learning that Thanksgiving is a big holiday at AA. Some meetings discuss a tradition or a specific step, and the discussions are interesting and sometimes almost academic. But discussions in AA this week have all been about thankfulness. People tell their stories and it's very moving-- sometimes it's hard to hear. I almost cried twice in the last meeting I attended. Alcohol is a terrible thing and destroys people, relationships and families. Sometimes it's difficult to hear about the horrible things that have happened to people. I've also learned that for AA members, going to an AA Meeting on Thanksgiving is a little like the wayward Christian going to church on Easter Sunday. This Thanksgiving, I'll be visiting a meeting in Altoona, so it should be interesting.

Criticism

AA meetings are always interesting. Sometimes fun, sometimes heartwrenching, but always interesting. Most days, there is a reading (and sometimes a very long one, like an entire chapter in the Big Book) with people making comments on what is read, but today we had an open discussion meeting. The leader introduced a topic and everyone shared. Sometimes it applied to the topic, sometimes it didn't but everyone shared from the hearts. The topic was criticism. As the newbie, I went first and talked about how critical I had been of Kris and by extension the kids for so long. I was critical of everything she did and said. I was so predictable in this that my tendency to oppose anything she said would have been a running joke if there had been anything funny about it. I did this out of embedded angry over stupid unresolved issues for which I am entirely to blame and the root cause of that is my own selfishness. Many other people shared similar things, but it was driven home how many people have been terrible damaged by the fierce criticism, physical and sexual abuse during childhood from the adults in the lives (and sadly, these adults are usually the parents). AA meetings aren't about crying and horror stories, but tonight there were a lot of 40-70 year olds who broke down talking about the things that happened to them when they were children. Losing a parent as a child is surely a horrible, devastating tragedy, but it has to be almost nothing next to living with a parent that gives you nothing but manipulation, abuse, hostility and hatred. It's not OK for anyone to abuse alcohol, but I fully understand why people who were raised in the hellish environments do.

Collectable Quotes

At my first AA Meeting, my sponsor Joe gave me a Big Book- sort of the Bible of AA. I record meetings and places, sober days, and other information in this book. I also write down memorable quotes I hear during meetings. I thought it might be interesting to share a sample. "When you pick up a drink, the drink takes you...and you don't know where it's going to go." Walhalla 6/18, "I know what I can revert back to, and it's always just one drink away" Walhalla, 5/18, "God's plans for Rob are better than Rob's plans for Rob" Florence, 6/18, "Pain is inevitable, misery is optional" Florence, 6/18, "The problem wasn't that I drank too much, the problem was that I didn't know how to live", Florence, 6/18, "I had to learn to help people and accept help. Accepting help was hard", Florence, 5/18, "Every problem has a solution, it's just a question of how much effort it takes to do it", Florence 5/18.

Step 9

This last weekend, I completed Alcoholic's Anonymous Step 9. I blogged the 12 AA steps earlier, but in case you don't remember- they are: 1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5.Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Step 9 is famous for being one of the most difficult-- "Made direct amends to such people (those who I had harmed) wherever possible, except where to do so would injure them or others." You need to speak to your sponsor and get direct coaching on it before taking Step 9. You are instructed not to apologize or say "I'm sorry" (no one wants to hear an alcoholic say "I'm sorry" again). You are told to tell the person you are an alcoholic and the wrongs you have done to them. It isn't necessary or helpful to go into every single detail. This is helpful for me because I'm a "black out drunk" and frankly can't remember every detail. You then ask the person what you can do to make amends. Some people have a really hard time with it. I go to AA with one women, who tried to do Step 9 with her Aunt. When she asked what she could do to make amends, her Aunt said "Why don't you just go die?". Most of the time, people respond by just asking you to stay sober, keep going to AA or going to counseling. Some Alcoholics have to deal with stolen money, damaged property, infidelity, so these amends are very difficult. Since most of the people to whom I needed to make amends were in my family, I knew I would get a loving response. So, I took an extra step and tried to think of some things I could under take on my own as penance. I've never heard of another alcoholic doing this, but it worked for me. I made donations to MADD, Isaiah's House (a local organization that provides alcoholism rehabilitation for low income men) and the National Coalition for the Children of Alcoholics. In addition, I'm volunteering as a tutor during the week at Collins Children's Home, an orphanage in Seneca. I meet with them this Wednesday. I'll keep everyone posted.

Milestones

Tonight finished my formal treatment in the Lionrock Intensive Outpatient Program. I presented my Phase 5 Homework to the group, said my goodbyes and next week start the "Bridge Group" (more on that later. It's worth stopping to consider where we are now. I started AA in Walhalla, South Carolina 168 days ago. Since that time, I have been in AA or Counseling 142 days, or 85% of the time. I started Lionrock 15 weeks ago. I have now been sober for 110 days. Bridge Group meets once a week, and it is free. Formally, it is supposed to go 4 weeks, but I've been told that I can attend as long as I want. On to the next step.