The Devil Whispers

The Devil whispers in my ear. It happens infrequently, but it happens from time to time. It used to be the only voice I heard, and I've learned to recognize who's talking. This past weekend, I was asked some simple and encouraging questions about my sobriety, and while I was answering, he started whispering in my ear again. One would think Satan would be very creative, but he's not. He usually says the same things: "When you drink again, everyone will know you're a fake", "You can't go forever without drinking again, that's ridiculous!", and his favorite, "You know you could have just one and manage it". The most helpful part is recognizing who is whispering and it's very helpful. I used to think the whisper was from my conscience and that was a terrible feeling. The whispers are the biggest reason to always go back to AA. It's preventive maintenance and keeps me strong by reminding me of where I was and where I am.

A Dog in a Cage

I met a man, very new to sobriety, who described himself as like a dog in a cage. In his view, in his newfound sobriety, he was only restraining his natural self and eventually he’d come out of his cage and revert to his “natural” behaviors. Early sobriety is difficult. I felt I was acting a role, like I was in a play, and in those days the devil often whispered in my ear that I was just a fraud, pretending to be something I wasn’t. But there is great value in the idea “fake it til you make it”, because as a wiser man than me once said, “you’ve got to quit drinking to learn how to quit drinking”.

Wishing for the end

“He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.152 Only now after 190some days of sobriety, can I honestly look back and admit to myself that this is where I was and was exactly how I felt. Home again after failing everyone again (and each time more spectacularly), horribly at a loss for how it happened. I had tried very hard not to drink, but I couldn’t stop myself from having “just one”, and after that only lord only knows where I’d end up or what I’d do. But despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop drinking. I also knew I couldn’t drink again. And like the excerpt from the AA “Big Book”, I wished for the end. In the darkest moments of that day, my wish was for quiet death to relieve me of the conflict, but this was my weakness crying out in my last empty attempt to achieve control. God heard me, and gave me the strength to yield all of it, and I experienced what recovering alcoholics call “the moment of clarity”, which remains with me today.

Wise words from an addict

I attended AA in Altoona today, and this AA like many others has both alcoholics and drug addicts-- this is often the case when a region has a NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I've developed a real soft spot for addicts. The world is kinder to alcoholics and an alcoholic in recovery is almost considered heroic (although I have to confess this is always jaded by the near universal feeling that you could collapse and relapse at any time), but addicts are always disdained- even in recovery. It seems like it's OK for celebrities to be addicts in recovery but society regard run of the mill addicts in recovery with great skepticism. I also feel for addicts because it's much easier to get free from alcohol than drugs (not that it's easy! It's a huge amount of work and pain, but I think the addict has it 5X harder). Today in AA we were talking about loneliness. An addict new to recovery said his disease wanted him to be lonely and isolated. This is a very good expression of reality. My alcoholic brain doesn't work right, and I easily fall into being lonely, isolated, feeling sorry for myself, which is all the path to drinking or using. I am oh so good at being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I'm around family and friends, sometimes I struggle with feeling lonely because of my alcoholic brain, and I need to recognize this and make connections when it happens. Making connections and talking about it always dissipates the power of the loneliness and fear.

Applying AA steps to life

From AA “Daily Reflections”....”.Through the recovery process described in the Big Book, I have come to realize that the same instructions that work on my alcoholism, work on much more. Whenever I am angry or frustrated, I consider the matter a manifestation of the main problem within me, alcoholism. As I "walk" through the Steps, my difficulty is usually dealt with long before I reach the Twelfth "suggestion," and those difficulties that persist are remedied when I make an effort to carry the message to someone else. These principles do solve my problems! I have not encountered an exception, and I have been brought to a way of living which is satisfying and useful.” I was struck by thidbbecause it was so very true for me. Following AA steps taught me how to live. Consider: A) my blood pressure went from 150/94 to 120/80, B) I can ride roller coasters that terrified me before, C) work and personal situations that used to freak me out are handled in due course. It’s a big difference I feel every minute of every day.

Day 180

Today marks 6 months since I quit trying to stop by myself. It is 24 weeks since God took over. Today is 180 days since I had a drink. When I get back to Seneca to my AA home group, I’ll pick up my green poker chip. AA members are an odd group that can be motivated by cheap plastic poker chips and the joy of serenity in knowing you are no longer systematically destroying the lives of everyone you love. It’s a good day.

Things I used to drink over

From a Daily Thought email I receive: “Today I pray over things I used to drink over.” This really reminds me of the central truism is my recover. When I tried, I failed and I drank. When I quit trying and let God run it, I found peace and sobriety.