Meditation

On my first day at AA, the man who would become my sponsor gave me my first blue Big Book and told me to begin every day by reading the prayer on page 86. AA endorses meditation and I learned even more from my counselor at Lion Rock. I now meditate on a regular basis, and would hate to live my life without it. This is a meditation prayer suggested by AA in Step 11 of the "12 and 12" book. I believe it is the prayer of St. Francis; "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace- that where there is hatred, I may bring love- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony- that where there is error, I may bring truth- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith- that where there is despair, I may bring hope- that where there are shadows, I may bring light- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than be comforted- to understand, rather than to be understood- to love, than be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."

Wet-brained or Dead

There's a part of the AA Big Book that says without God's help we would end up wet-brained or dead. I see a lot of evidence of this in AA meetings. Sometimes 20-30% of the people in the meeting are wet-brained. They talk with slurred speech and sometimes struggle to get out coherent sentences. I must say despite this, these people sometimes utter profound truths during their sharing, many of I have written in the front of my first Big Book, given to me by my sponsor. Also regularly in attendance at AA meetings are people that spent time in prison, along with people with repeated drunk driving convictions, people with 3+ divorces, people who haven't seen their children or grandchildren in years. It's a painful reminder of how lucky I am, to have been saved from alcoholism by the grace of God before I did something even worse than the foolish, selfish, and reprehensible things that I did to my family. Sometimes people become sober, but it's almost too late because the brain, the person, the family has already been hopelessly damaged.

Friends and Family

During the early period of my sobriety, it was a real puzzle for me how I should manage my relationships with friends and family in relation to alcohol. We got together with friends in LaGrange during the first few weeks of my sobriety, when things were really, really raw. It was difficult. Everyone was drinking and I remember the alcohol all along the kitchen counter (this is normal) and a large basket full of tiny bottles of vodka and gin. The alcohol in the house made my flesh crawl every time I walked through the kitchen to go use the restroom. At one point, Kris got suspicious that I snuck some vodka and I let her drink the water in my glass to prove my innocence. Every time we've gotten together with our LaGrange friends, the drinking continues at the same level before I quit drinking. It doesn't bother me now as I've learned to manage my alcoholism more effectively, but if I'm completely honest I harbored some resentment about this. Everyone knew I was an alcoholic and had quit drinking-- couldn't they stop drinking at these social occasions or at least moderate a little?? In retrospect, I've learned to come to grips with all this by (in AA style) thinking of my own contribution. The fact that I struggled with drinking and was a stupid drunk was not a surprise to my friends, they already knew. But the first visit during my sobriety, everyone was already several drinks in when I arrived and told them I was an alcoholic, I couldn't manage my drinking, and I had stopped drinking altogether. What was everyone to do? Pour their drinks onto the ground? I had surprised everyone and put them in an odd situation. After that night, a precedent had been set. I'm reminded of our family trip to Lake Michigan early in my sobriety. We all struggled with what to do with me. All the previous versions of this annual trip featured alcohol, sometimes prominently. No one knew what to do. At first, the alcohol was out, then it was hidden, consumed in "secret". The basic problem was that I had failed to define what I needed. The cause of this was that I had no idea what I needed or wanted. It was all new to us and we all struggled, maybe me more than anyone. To make things more confusing, I didn't know how I felt from minute to minute. I was often asked if I minded if anyone drank in my presence. Sometimes, I didn't mind at all. Sometimes it made me want to drink. Sometimes it made me want to puke. I have learned that I'm not unusual in this case. Even in AA meetings I have heard long-term sober members say they avoid occasions with alcohol, and others proudly say they don't let alcohol at social occasions bother them. Thank God at this point, my life is a lot easier, I'm comfortable around people drinking and it no longer bothers me.

Strange Places

I travel a lot, and go to AA in a lot of different places. I've been to meetings in South Carolina, Kentucky, Ohio, Michigan, Budapest, and Paris. Most recently, I went to an AA meeting in Altoona. They are all the same, following AA principles and the basic meeting guideline, but are also different in odd ways. Today's topic in AA was the Daily Reading about how all alcoholics are equal in our weakness and difficulty, and that we don't worry about things that make us different like income, social status, prison records, etc... This really came home in Altoona where we meeting in a tiny room in a rickety building that seems to have been built by Amateurs. Sitting at the table in uncomfortable chairs was a pretty rough looking group, including me. Yet, at this meeting I heard some of the best insights I've heard anywhere. Alcoholics are a very strange group and very difficult to judge.

Uncle Hiram

Alcoholism is in my DNA. My body doesn't process alcohol like a normal person and the toxic (and carcinogenic) acetaldehyde stays in my system and sits in the fluid around my brain. There's nothing I did to cause it. I was born with it. My parents never drank. On my father's side, his parents never drank. I do family genealogy, and one person on that side stands out. The family moved to Indiana, bought a farm and started to make a life of it, but (as tradition says) Uncle Hiram "drank up the farm". I always wonder if this is where my bad DNA came from, and if my other ancestors were spared because they simply never drank alcohol...? Poor Uncle Hiram.

"Dubious Luxury"

AA is very flexible, yet completely inflexible. Each group operates independently, guided by only a few simple rules- yet some things are common to every AA on the planet. One is the "Big Book"- the chronically blue large volume that guide alcoholics everyhere, and another is "Daily Reflections", covering each day of the calendar year. Today's Reflection is "Anger- a Dubious Luxury". Here it is--- "If we were to live, we had to be free from anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may the the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things were poison." As an alcoholic, I have an irreversible medical condition. It is embedded in my DNA. I can't change it. To make things worse, my behavior has cemented that neural pathway to cope with unhappiness, depression, etc... As a result, I need to work constantly to control my behavior-- not to be passive and without emotion, but to accept things around me instead of building up anger and resentment. I can't carry these things around or they will destroy me. A normal person can be mad for years about something--- this is the dubious luxury-- but I cannot.

Yeller Chip

I received my yellow 9 month chip from AA in Walhalla last night. By tradition in Walhalla this is called the "yeller" chip because of how some long past member used to pronounce "yellow". It was nice-- lots of applause, hugs and congratulations. I really appreciate the Walhalla group that got me through a lot of the difficult early AA Steps. That being said, I'm kind of tired marking time and getting chips, which I suppose is normal. After this, I'll get a chip on my anniversary and another one every year after.

9 months

A few days ago, I passed the milestone for 9 months of sobriety. Tonight, I'm back in South Carolina and will go to my home meeting in Walhalla (isn't it weird my "home" AA meeting is in Walhalla, SC?) to get my 9 month chip. I remember one of my early meetings when I guy spoke during the meeting and said, very happily, that tonight he would be picking up his 9 month chip. I thought this was a real impossibility for me. Even though I'm surrounded in AA by people who have been sober for years (some for 30-40 years), this seemed abstract to me just starting out. Nine months seemed much closer to me and all the more impossible. Remember that I had to go through my first 30 days three times before it took. I haven't been to this meeting for months (I've been to meetings in Florence, KY, Budapest and Paris), so it's been a long time since I've seen these people. It will be fun to pick up that chip and add it to my key chain. I think it's very cool that I'm picking up this chip on the same day we learn what day Lyla will be born. It's a great reminder of how changed life is now.

Fast Recovery

There is much about AA and achieving and maintaining sobriety. One of those things is “fast recovery”, which is considered a safer. The big book talks about the danger of a person who wants to make everything better by the weekend. This is a great way to flame out because sobriety is a cold hard unrelenting slog. It can be brutally hard work, and it can only be done one bit, one day at a time. In my own case, I hit or was near 30 days twice and flamed out. Reality is not many people show up at AA, pick up a white chip and never drink again. It takes time, learning, and growth.

The Devil Whispers

The Devil whispers in my ear. It happens infrequently, but it happens from time to time. It used to be the only voice I heard, and I've learned to recognize who's talking. This past weekend, I was asked some simple and encouraging questions about my sobriety, and while I was answering, he started whispering in my ear again. One would think Satan would be very creative, but he's not. He usually says the same things: "When you drink again, everyone will know you're a fake", "You can't go forever without drinking again, that's ridiculous!", and his favorite, "You know you could have just one and manage it". The most helpful part is recognizing who is whispering and it's very helpful. I used to think the whisper was from my conscience and that was a terrible feeling. The whispers are the biggest reason to always go back to AA. It's preventive maintenance and keeps me strong by reminding me of where I was and where I am.

A Dog in a Cage

I met a man, very new to sobriety, who described himself as like a dog in a cage. In his view, in his newfound sobriety, he was only restraining his natural self and eventually he’d come out of his cage and revert to his “natural” behaviors. Early sobriety is difficult. I felt I was acting a role, like I was in a play, and in those days the devil often whispered in my ear that I was just a fraud, pretending to be something I wasn’t. But there is great value in the idea “fake it til you make it”, because as a wiser man than me once said, “you’ve got to quit drinking to learn how to quit drinking”.

Wishing for the end

“He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.152 Only now after 190some days of sobriety, can I honestly look back and admit to myself that this is where I was and was exactly how I felt. Home again after failing everyone again (and each time more spectacularly), horribly at a loss for how it happened. I had tried very hard not to drink, but I couldn’t stop myself from having “just one”, and after that only lord only knows where I’d end up or what I’d do. But despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop drinking. I also knew I couldn’t drink again. And like the excerpt from the AA “Big Book”, I wished for the end. In the darkest moments of that day, my wish was for quiet death to relieve me of the conflict, but this was my weakness crying out in my last empty attempt to achieve control. God heard me, and gave me the strength to yield all of it, and I experienced what recovering alcoholics call “the moment of clarity”, which remains with me today.

Wise words from an addict

I attended AA in Altoona today, and this AA like many others has both alcoholics and drug addicts-- this is often the case when a region has a NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I've developed a real soft spot for addicts. The world is kinder to alcoholics and an alcoholic in recovery is almost considered heroic (although I have to confess this is always jaded by the near universal feeling that you could collapse and relapse at any time), but addicts are always disdained- even in recovery. It seems like it's OK for celebrities to be addicts in recovery but society regard run of the mill addicts in recovery with great skepticism. I also feel for addicts because it's much easier to get free from alcohol than drugs (not that it's easy! It's a huge amount of work and pain, but I think the addict has it 5X harder). Today in AA we were talking about loneliness. An addict new to recovery said his disease wanted him to be lonely and isolated. This is a very good expression of reality. My alcoholic brain doesn't work right, and I easily fall into being lonely, isolated, feeling sorry for myself, which is all the path to drinking or using. I am oh so good at being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I'm around family and friends, sometimes I struggle with feeling lonely because of my alcoholic brain, and I need to recognize this and make connections when it happens. Making connections and talking about it always dissipates the power of the loneliness and fear.

Applying AA steps to life

From AA “Daily Reflections”....”.Through the recovery process described in the Big Book, I have come to realize that the same instructions that work on my alcoholism, work on much more. Whenever I am angry or frustrated, I consider the matter a manifestation of the main problem within me, alcoholism. As I "walk" through the Steps, my difficulty is usually dealt with long before I reach the Twelfth "suggestion," and those difficulties that persist are remedied when I make an effort to carry the message to someone else. These principles do solve my problems! I have not encountered an exception, and I have been brought to a way of living which is satisfying and useful.” I was struck by thidbbecause it was so very true for me. Following AA steps taught me how to live. Consider: A) my blood pressure went from 150/94 to 120/80, B) I can ride roller coasters that terrified me before, C) work and personal situations that used to freak me out are handled in due course. It’s a big difference I feel every minute of every day.

Day 180

Today marks 6 months since I quit trying to stop by myself. It is 24 weeks since God took over. Today is 180 days since I had a drink. When I get back to Seneca to my AA home group, I’ll pick up my green poker chip. AA members are an odd group that can be motivated by cheap plastic poker chips and the joy of serenity in knowing you are no longer systematically destroying the lives of everyone you love. It’s a good day.

Things I used to drink over

From a Daily Thought email I receive: “Today I pray over things I used to drink over.” This really reminds me of the central truism is my recover. When I tried, I failed and I drank. When I quit trying and let God run it, I found peace and sobriety.

Matt Talbot

I wear a Matt Talbot pendant and a cross on a chain around my neck. Matt Talbot is the closest thing to the Patron Saint of Alcoholics. He was an Irishman working man who lived in the early 1800’s in Dublin. He started drinking at age 12, but took a pledge to stop when he was 21. He spent his days in prayer and at Mass. Despite being uneducated he wrote deep spiritual insights. Bishops would come to him and ask him to pray. Most of all (to me) he wrote that we should pity the alcoholic because he has no power to help himself. The only thing that can help him is God. That is why I wear the chain as a reminder of that profound truth.

Listen and pray

We have daily readings for AA, and today’s was about helping alcoholics that still suffer. This is often the topic of the readings because it is the central purpose of AA. After instructing is tostay our of other people’s arguments, it says (pardon my paraphrase)the best way to help a suffering alcoholic is to A. listen, B, Share personal experience, and 3) pray for them. Good advice.

Annoyance

From today's AA reading----- AA "Big Book" "When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid, and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising". The reading goes on to apply this to alcoholics in recovery. Believe it or not, it's easy for AA members to get big-headed and intolerant of people who fail in the program. It's human nature, I guess: We start so humbly but after a few successes we begin to feel superior. This feeling in AA always needs to be held in check, as AA works for almost everyone who really tries, puts the time into it, and is completely honest with themselves---HOWEVER, it rarely works the first time. Most people start and stumble, perhaps over and over again until they sort out the depth, meaning and surrender of the steps, the light dawns on them and the process of the 12 steps starts to work.

AA Profound Thoughts

Alcoholics are an interesting group. Many are over-achievers, counter to what you might think. Most are intelligent, and- without exception- all are well-spoken and occasional drop profound thoughts during the meetings. I make it a habit to bring along my blue AA "Big Book" to meetings are write down these thoughts in the available spaces (all of which are almost full). In today's meeting in South Carolina, a man I didn't know said "I had to understand I wasn't a bad man trying to be good. I was a sick man trying to be well.". I never heard this expressed this way, but during my drinking period I hated myself. I knew I was a bad, horrible, unsalvageable person who tried with all his might to be a good person-- and I was constantly failing. The realization that I was sick and needed help and specifically God's help to be better was a huge moment that led immediately to my awakening.