Wise words from an addict

I attended AA in Altoona today, and this AA like many others has both alcoholics and drug addicts-- this is often the case when a region has a NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I've developed a real soft spot for addicts. The world is kinder to alcoholics and an alcoholic in recovery is almost considered heroic (although I have to confess this is always jaded by the near universal feeling that you could collapse and relapse at any time), but addicts are always disdained- even in recovery. It seems like it's OK for celebrities to be addicts in recovery but society regard run of the mill addicts in recovery with great skepticism. I also feel for addicts because it's much easier to get free from alcohol than drugs (not that it's easy! It's a huge amount of work and pain, but I think the addict has it 5X harder). Today in AA we were talking about loneliness. An addict new to recovery said his disease wanted him to be lonely and isolated. This is a very good expression of reality. My alcoholic brain doesn't work right, and I easily fall into being lonely, isolated, feeling sorry for myself, which is all the path to drinking or using. I am oh so good at being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I'm around family and friends, sometimes I struggle with feeling lonely because of my alcoholic brain, and I need to recognize this and make connections when it happens. Making connections and talking about it always dissipates the power of the loneliness and fear.

Applying AA steps to life

From AA “Daily Reflections”....”.Through the recovery process described in the Big Book, I have come to realize that the same instructions that work on my alcoholism, work on much more. Whenever I am angry or frustrated, I consider the matter a manifestation of the main problem within me, alcoholism. As I "walk" through the Steps, my difficulty is usually dealt with long before I reach the Twelfth "suggestion," and those difficulties that persist are remedied when I make an effort to carry the message to someone else. These principles do solve my problems! I have not encountered an exception, and I have been brought to a way of living which is satisfying and useful.” I was struck by thidbbecause it was so very true for me. Following AA steps taught me how to live. Consider: A) my blood pressure went from 150/94 to 120/80, B) I can ride roller coasters that terrified me before, C) work and personal situations that used to freak me out are handled in due course. It’s a big difference I feel every minute of every day.

Day 180

Today marks 6 months since I quit trying to stop by myself. It is 24 weeks since God took over. Today is 180 days since I had a drink. When I get back to Seneca to my AA home group, I’ll pick up my green poker chip. AA members are an odd group that can be motivated by cheap plastic poker chips and the joy of serenity in knowing you are no longer systematically destroying the lives of everyone you love. It’s a good day.

Things I used to drink over

From a Daily Thought email I receive: “Today I pray over things I used to drink over.” This really reminds me of the central truism is my recover. When I tried, I failed and I drank. When I quit trying and let God run it, I found peace and sobriety.

Matt Talbot

I wear a Matt Talbot pendant and a cross on a chain around my neck. Matt Talbot is the closest thing to the Patron Saint of Alcoholics. He was an Irishman working man who lived in the early 1800’s in Dublin. He started drinking at age 12, but took a pledge to stop when he was 21. He spent his days in prayer and at Mass. Despite being uneducated he wrote deep spiritual insights. Bishops would come to him and ask him to pray. Most of all (to me) he wrote that we should pity the alcoholic because he has no power to help himself. The only thing that can help him is God. That is why I wear the chain as a reminder of that profound truth.

Listen and pray

We have daily readings for AA, and today’s was about helping alcoholics that still suffer. This is often the topic of the readings because it is the central purpose of AA. After instructing is tostay our of other people’s arguments, it says (pardon my paraphrase)the best way to help a suffering alcoholic is to A. listen, B, Share personal experience, and 3) pray for them. Good advice.

Annoyance

From today's AA reading----- AA "Big Book" "When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid, and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising". The reading goes on to apply this to alcoholics in recovery. Believe it or not, it's easy for AA members to get big-headed and intolerant of people who fail in the program. It's human nature, I guess: We start so humbly but after a few successes we begin to feel superior. This feeling in AA always needs to be held in check, as AA works for almost everyone who really tries, puts the time into it, and is completely honest with themselves---HOWEVER, it rarely works the first time. Most people start and stumble, perhaps over and over again until they sort out the depth, meaning and surrender of the steps, the light dawns on them and the process of the 12 steps starts to work.

AA Profound Thoughts

Alcoholics are an interesting group. Many are over-achievers, counter to what you might think. Most are intelligent, and- without exception- all are well-spoken and occasional drop profound thoughts during the meetings. I make it a habit to bring along my blue AA "Big Book" to meetings are write down these thoughts in the available spaces (all of which are almost full). In today's meeting in South Carolina, a man I didn't know said "I had to understand I wasn't a bad man trying to be good. I was a sick man trying to be well.". I never heard this expressed this way, but during my drinking period I hated myself. I knew I was a bad, horrible, unsalvageable person who tried with all his might to be a good person-- and I was constantly failing. The realization that I was sick and needed help and specifically God's help to be better was a huge moment that led immediately to my awakening.

Serenity

From AA Daily Reflection of December 2 SERENITY "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, . . . TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 106 As I continued to go to meetings and work the Steps, something began to happen to me. I felt confused because I wasn't sure what it was that I was feeling, and then I realized I was experiencing serenity. It was a good feeling, but where had it come from? Then I realized it had come ". . .as the result of these steps." The program may not always be easy to practice, but I had to acknowledge that my serenity had come to me after working the Steps. As I work the Steps in everything I do, practicing these principles in all my affairs, now I find that I am awake to God, to others, and to myself. The spiritual awakening I have enjoyed as the result of working the Steps is the awareness that I am no longer alone." For me, it was very much like this. One day I woke up and had a strange feeling. I didn't know what to make of it. After a while, I figured it out: I was happy. I am no longer alone.

AA Thanksgiving

I went to AA today in Pennsylvania. The room was packed and it was a very emotional meeting. One man recently sober, talked about the change in his life since he stopped drinking, but how he was still torn apart because his family wouldn't have anything to do with him. Change will come in time, and several of us stayed after the meeting to talk with him. Alcohol is a terrible thing, with the way it tears an individual apart, then uses that to destroy all of his relationships. I am thankful to have been sober for 147 days.

Changing Meds

I've always been a sleepwalker and a sleep talker, going way back to my childhood. After I started taking Naltrexone, a medication to block the effect of alcohol, the dreams got weirder. Very vivid and I would often hit the wall, or throw my phone across the room. But recently, it's been off the charts. I've been standing up and screaming at night, waking up my family and probably the neighbors. More than once, I've fallen while trying to run from something I dreamed of. I gave up yesterday and went to see Dr. Gabby. He thinks it's related to Phenedrine that I take as part of a weight loss program. I've been taken off Naltrexone and everything else for a couple of weeks to see if it helps. It's been four days now, and I don't feel any difference without the Naltrexone, although honestly prefer taking it just because it gives me a backup plan.

Pre-Thanksgiving

I am learning that Thanksgiving is a big holiday at AA. Some meetings discuss a tradition or a specific step, and the discussions are interesting and sometimes almost academic. But discussions in AA this week have all been about thankfulness. People tell their stories and it's very moving-- sometimes it's hard to hear. I almost cried twice in the last meeting I attended. Alcohol is a terrible thing and destroys people, relationships and families. Sometimes it's difficult to hear about the horrible things that have happened to people. I've also learned that for AA members, going to an AA Meeting on Thanksgiving is a little like the wayward Christian going to church on Easter Sunday. This Thanksgiving, I'll be visiting a meeting in Altoona, so it should be interesting.

Criticism

AA meetings are always interesting. Sometimes fun, sometimes heartwrenching, but always interesting. Most days, there is a reading (and sometimes a very long one, like an entire chapter in the Big Book) with people making comments on what is read, but today we had an open discussion meeting. The leader introduced a topic and everyone shared. Sometimes it applied to the topic, sometimes it didn't but everyone shared from the hearts. The topic was criticism. As the newbie, I went first and talked about how critical I had been of Kris and by extension the kids for so long. I was critical of everything she did and said. I was so predictable in this that my tendency to oppose anything she said would have been a running joke if there had been anything funny about it. I did this out of embedded angry over stupid unresolved issues for which I am entirely to blame and the root cause of that is my own selfishness. Many other people shared similar things, but it was driven home how many people have been terrible damaged by the fierce criticism, physical and sexual abuse during childhood from the adults in the lives (and sadly, these adults are usually the parents). AA meetings aren't about crying and horror stories, but tonight there were a lot of 40-70 year olds who broke down talking about the things that happened to them when they were children. Losing a parent as a child is surely a horrible, devastating tragedy, but it has to be almost nothing next to living with a parent that gives you nothing but manipulation, abuse, hostility and hatred. It's not OK for anyone to abuse alcohol, but I fully understand why people who were raised in the hellish environments do.

Collectable Quotes

At my first AA Meeting, my sponsor Joe gave me a Big Book- sort of the Bible of AA. I record meetings and places, sober days, and other information in this book. I also write down memorable quotes I hear during meetings. I thought it might be interesting to share a sample. "When you pick up a drink, the drink takes you...and you don't know where it's going to go." Walhalla 6/18, "I know what I can revert back to, and it's always just one drink away" Walhalla, 5/18, "God's plans for Rob are better than Rob's plans for Rob" Florence, 6/18, "Pain is inevitable, misery is optional" Florence, 6/18, "The problem wasn't that I drank too much, the problem was that I didn't know how to live", Florence, 6/18, "I had to learn to help people and accept help. Accepting help was hard", Florence, 5/18, "Every problem has a solution, it's just a question of how much effort it takes to do it", Florence 5/18.

Step 9

This last weekend, I completed Alcoholic's Anonymous Step 9. I blogged the 12 AA steps earlier, but in case you don't remember- they are: 1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5.Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Step 9 is famous for being one of the most difficult-- "Made direct amends to such people (those who I had harmed) wherever possible, except where to do so would injure them or others." You need to speak to your sponsor and get direct coaching on it before taking Step 9. You are instructed not to apologize or say "I'm sorry" (no one wants to hear an alcoholic say "I'm sorry" again). You are told to tell the person you are an alcoholic and the wrongs you have done to them. It isn't necessary or helpful to go into every single detail. This is helpful for me because I'm a "black out drunk" and frankly can't remember every detail. You then ask the person what you can do to make amends. Some people have a really hard time with it. I go to AA with one women, who tried to do Step 9 with her Aunt. When she asked what she could do to make amends, her Aunt said "Why don't you just go die?". Most of the time, people respond by just asking you to stay sober, keep going to AA or going to counseling. Some Alcoholics have to deal with stolen money, damaged property, infidelity, so these amends are very difficult. Since most of the people to whom I needed to make amends were in my family, I knew I would get a loving response. So, I took an extra step and tried to think of some things I could under take on my own as penance. I've never heard of another alcoholic doing this, but it worked for me. I made donations to MADD, Isaiah's House (a local organization that provides alcoholism rehabilitation for low income men) and the National Coalition for the Children of Alcoholics. In addition, I'm volunteering as a tutor during the week at Collins Children's Home, an orphanage in Seneca. I meet with them this Wednesday. I'll keep everyone posted.

Milestones

Tonight finished my formal treatment in the Lionrock Intensive Outpatient Program. I presented my Phase 5 Homework to the group, said my goodbyes and next week start the "Bridge Group" (more on that later. It's worth stopping to consider where we are now. I started AA in Walhalla, South Carolina 168 days ago. Since that time, I have been in AA or Counseling 142 days, or 85% of the time. I started Lionrock 15 weeks ago. I have now been sober for 110 days. Bridge Group meets once a week, and it is free. Formally, it is supposed to go 4 weeks, but I've been told that I can attend as long as I want. On to the next step.

Lionrock Phase 5 Homework- Graduation Assignment

Lionrock Phase 5 Homework Discharge Plan Objectives: Once completed by prepared to share these assignments with your primary therapist and your group. You will be asked to e-mail or text a copy of these assignments to your primary counselor for your client chart. 5.1 Describe in detail what your Recovery will look like for the first month following discharge from Lionrock treatment. Be very specific and use concrete behavioral terms. Describe what you will do, when you will do it, where you will do it, with whom you will do it, and why you will do it. Consider all that you’ve learned about yourself throughout your course of treatment and try and include Recovery activities that address your specific issues. Use the attached weekly schedule as a visual planning aid. Develop a set of Recovery activities that you will be able to stick with for the entire month without changing. Remember that addiction hurts us Biologically, Psychologically, Socially and Spiritually, so our Recovery needs to promote healing in all of those areas. 5.2 Complete the Phase Five Personal Recovery Plan form, identifying areas of your life that will be addressed in your Discharge Plan. 5.3 Present your Recovery Plan and Calendar to your group for feedback and suggestions. Personal Recovery Plan Drug and Alcohol Use Where are you now in your dosage of drugs and alcohol? I take 20mg Lexapro daily. I have never taken illegal drugs in any form. I currently do not drink alcohol and have been sober for 103 days. Where would you like to be? Exactly where I am with long-term sobriety. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? I plan post-Lionrock support of 4 weeks in Lionrock Bridge Group, followed by 8 weeks of employer-provided Counseling, in conjunction with regular AA attendance. Social Support Where are you now in your social support system? My social support system is greatly improved from where it was when I entered Lionrock. This was a big problem for me. I had no personal connections where I worked and I lived near my workplace in isolation. My relationship with my family was intermittent, and sometimes distant. Now, my social support system is much stronger. I have renewed and strengthened relationships with old friends in my hometown, reestablishing those relationships on a non-drinking basis. I have established local supportive relationships with people in my workplace and with many people in AA through regular attendance in my AA Home Group. In addition, my Recovery has helped to strengthen my family relationships and I keep up regular connections with my family members. In addition, my wife stays with at me near my workplace (South Carolina) most weeks, and we spend weekends together at our home in Kentucky. Where would you like to be? I am in a good place with my social support system, but I want to continue strengthening those important relationships with family, friends back home and friends near my workplace. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? I need to continue to strengthen these relationships by thinking more and more of others. I need to continue making more and better contact with my family and focus that communication on them and not myself. In my work relationships, I need to become more open in those relationships and work on giving more than taking. In my relationships with friends I need to continue to deal with them honestly. For relationships in AA, I need to begin to work with newcomers and make them feel welcomed, eventually moving into a mentor relationship when I have a longer period of sobriety. Physical Health How is your physical health? My physical condition is much better than it was when I entered Lionrock. I used to be tired all the time and always felt like I needed to sleep. In addition, I had high blood pressure, sometimes as high as 150/ 95. Now, I have energy like I did 20 years ago, and I need much less sleep. I’m back to sleeping about 6-7 hours a night. I used to struggle to stay up until 8:30- 9 each night, and now I go to bed at 10:30-11. Best of all, my Blood Pressure is 123/78. I have not gained weight during my recovery, but I am 20 pounds overweight and my doctor says my bad cholesterol is on the high side. Where would you like to be? I would like to lose about 20 pounds and have my cholesterol down to the normal range. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? I have registered for Figure Weight Loss Program at St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Edgewood, Kentucky. I have a 2 hour evaluation on October 9 and meet regularly with a Physician, Dietician and exercise specialist to advise me on weight loss. Losing another 20 pounds and reducing consumption of red meat a fried foods will reduce my cholesterol. Family Relations Where are you now in your relationship with your family members? My relationship with family members is very much improved since I entered Lionrock. My alcoholism had place a great strain on all of my family relationship as my drunken, erratic behavior had really damaged everyone in my family. Those relationships have started to improve significantly improved as I achieved longer periods of sobriety. While there is still repair work to be done, our relationships improve every day. Where would you like to be? I would like to continue mending and rebuilding my relationships with my family members. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? Most of all, I need to continue being sober and rebuild trust. I can also help rebuild and restore relationships by communicating openly and honestly and working to think continually more about other people than myself. Emotions Where are you now in your emotional life? My emotional life is now positive and strong. Although I still have low moments, especially when I’m reminded of my past failures, and I stronger and more optimistic by far. Meditation and prayer have helped me to calm myself in distress, to the point where I can ride rollercoasters and deal with turmoil at work without running off the rails. I have a much stronger ability to live life day by day instead of getting caught up in the turmoil of what-ifs. Where would you like to be? I would like to continue to grow emotionally and become continually more stable and strong. I know that I can’t make life’s adversities go away, but I want to be more capable of dealing with them. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? Sobriety makes me capable of dealing with emotional variation and manage it appropriately, so this is the most important factor. I need to continue to improve my coping skills to deal with adversity and situations effectively and efficiently, especially focusing on using the HALT technique, which I have found to be very effective. Spirituality Where are you now in your spirituality? My relationship with God is much closer than it was before. I pray and meditate on a regular basis, and I often pray with my wife. I have begun attending church regularly and started to go to weekly classes on religious education through the church. Where would you like to be? I would like to continue to grow closer and closer to God. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? I can continue to take the religion classes through church and continue to pray, meditate and trust God in my life more and more. Work Status Where are you now in your work status? My work status is very good. I work for a good company in a position I enjoy. I have another potential opportunity at work, but I don’t know yet if that option will work out. While I enjoy my job, the company is going through massive changes in organization and I have a new boss, all of which causes me stress. Where would you like to be? I can’t really control all of the organization changes at work and everything else, but I can control how I do my job. I would like to be better and better at my job. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? I will study Taguchi Methods, a methodology my new boss is fluent in, so I can work with her more effectively. I will create development plans for all people reporting to me to improve the overall effectiveness of my Department. Financial Status Where are you now in your Financial Status? My financial status is good but can be improved. My income is good, but retirement savings are not as good as they should be for the future of my wife and I . On the good side, I had two daughters getting married this Fall and managed to pay for most of it without going broke. Where would you like to be? I want to be financially stable with a solid retirement savings. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? I can work with a Financial Advisor to establish and execute a solid, feasible retirement plan. Fun and Recreation What do you do now for fun, relaxation, and recreation? I like to listen to music, hike, and play with my dog. I enjoy reading and studying history, and I enjoy doing family genealogical research. What would you like to do? I would like to spend more time in recreation, just having fun- but recovery has been pretty time consuming between Lionrock, Homework and AA. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? After I have finished extended counseling, I will schedule more time for relaxing and free time in general, while still continuing AA attendance. Romantic Relationships What is your current “relationship” status? I have been married for 28 years, and our relationship has been healing from its low point in the darkest periods of my alcoholism. Things we’re really tough at one point and our marriage was in significant danger, but we heal more every day. How would you like it to be? I would like to continue to grow closer and closer, learning to love and appreciate one another more and more. What actions can you take to accomplish your goals in this area of your life? Sobriety, openness, honesty and communication every day make everything better. Bridge Entry Letter Dear Bridge Facilitator:_________ I am writing to express my desire to join_________@ time_______ Here are some things I want you to know about myself -Describe what prompted you to seek our Lionrock Recover and recovery from your addiction. I came to Lionrock because I had hit my low point. I had attended AA for about two months and had reached, at one point, 30 days of sobriety then relapsed again. My last few relapses were awful (they seemed to get progressively worse). I woke up in Chicago by Police pounding on my door, and it took me a while to figure out I was in a hotel in Chicago and at first I couldn’t figure out how I got to Chicago. Another time, I was driving through the hills of Virigina to meet my wife and got so drunk drive I blacked out and had no idea where I was or what I was doing until she miraculously found me. Finally, I drank all night, got up in the morning and drove drunk home for about 7 hours (somehow by God’s grace I didn’t kill anyone). This brought me to Lionrock. Since joining, I’ve been sober and am now at 103 days of sobriety. I have embraced meditation and prayer, stop thought and HALT as very effective means to maintain my sobriety. -Describe your experience with your drug of choice and what benefits you have gained since giving up your drug of choice. My drug of choice was alcohol. I preferred beer, but as time went on the type of alcohol became less important. At the end, I usually had a bunch of beer followed by hard liquor because it would hit me faster and would do this after no eating all day just to get the maximum effect. Since I quit drinking, my brain is almost back to its old level of functioning, my relationships with friends and family are all improved and my work performance is markedly better and this has been recognized by my employer. -Describe your recovery experience. In this section, include what you have discovered to be your relapse triggers, high risk situations, and warning signs. Also discuss your overall thoughts regarding current and potential problems in your life. I could write pages about relapse triggers, high risk situations and relapse warning signs. Here are some key points for me: Relapse triggers: Places include Airports, gatherings with friends, hotels, and company social functions. The biggest situation for me as a trigger is being alone. Along with that the most significant trigger for feelings is loneliness. I drank in the past to kill or dull emotional pain. Warning signs of a relapse that are most applicable to me are feelings of loneliness, minor depressions, feelings that nothing is going to work out, feelings of impending doom and the feeling that I don’t need help anymore. Current problems in my life are changes in my job situation (large scale company reorganization that will result in a change in my job and a new boss), financial planning for the future, and the ghosts of past alcoholic behavior that still hurts my relationships. Potential problems in the future are job changes, and the adjustment of my wife and I to the “empty nest” as our children have started leaving home to begin lives of their own. -Indicate your intentions regarding your sobriety during your admission to the Bridge group. I intend to remain sober for the rest of my life, but I know to do this I just have to take it one day at a time. Sincerely…… Daniel

Lionrock Phase 4 Homework: Recovery Resources

4.4 Make a list of the types of professional treatment providers and support groups you think you would need to work with upon discharge to maintain your Recovery, i.e. individual therapist, psychiatrist, physician, acupuncturist, group facilitator, spiritual advisor, treatment professionals. If you already have the established relationships with any of these providers, list their names and phone numbers and give a brief note next to their name describing whether or not they should be part of your new sober support system and why. Staff may assist you to identify professional resources in your community and to schedule an appointment prior to discharge. AA, Walhalla, SC, Pass It On Group, 877-544-8426, St. Francis Catholic Church This group is my home AA Group and should be a part of my support system AA, Seneca, SC, Seneca Serenity Group, 877-544-8426, Seneca Presbyterian Church This is my backup AA Group in South Carolina (the one I go to when I can’t make my home group), and should remain a part of my support system. AA, Florence, Kentucky, ALANO Club, 859-282-9552 This is my second backup AA Group when I’m in Kentucky. They should remain a part of my support system, but probably to a lesser degree than others on this list. AA, Fort Thomas, Kentucky, New Life Group, First Christian Church This is my primary group when I’m in Kentucky and should remain part of my support system. Sherry xxxxxxxx, Employer EAP provided Counselor, Seneca, SC 864-784-3422 Sherry is the Counselor assigned to me by my company Employee Assistance Program. I receive 8 weeks of counseling in this program and plan to start with her as soon as I finish with Lionrock. She should be part of my support system Employer EAP Hotline, 800-311-xxxx, www.guidanceresources.com, Web ID MGR311 Dr. Gabriel xxxxx (Primary Physician), 859-356-xxxx

Lionrock Phase 4 Homework: 15 Characteristics for People in my Sober Support System

Phase 4 Homework: Developing and Utilizing a Sober Support System 4.1 List 15 personal characteristics that an individual would need in order to be an effective part of your sober support system. 1. Honest: An individual in my sober support system should be honest. They should be able to deal with me honestly, telling the truth no matter how uncomfortable it may be. 2. Good listener I’m not the best at communicating, so a person in my support system should be good at listening and interpreting what I communicate. Listening skills must extend to both verbal and non-verbal communication. 3. Caring An individual in my support system must be caring. They must be a caring person in general- focused on people other than themselves as part of their normal life and caring about my well-being specifically. 4. Nurturing The person must be nurturing, wanting to use a coaching/coaxing approach when appropriate to help me move toward success and sobriety. 5. Straightforward While a person in my support system should be nurturing when needed, they must always be straightforward, someone who tells it like it is. This is honesty, but also honesty with an edge when needed- someone who doesn’t have to couch a difficult message in niceties. 6. Accessible A person in my support system needs to be physically, emotionally, and mentally accessible to help me deal with whatever issue may be present. 7. Sense of urgency In addition to being accessible, an individual in my support system must have an appropriate sense of urgency to help me deal with issues quickly and decisively whenever possible. 8. Open to inputs The person must be open to inputs they receive both from myself and from others. I’m an unusual person in many senses and an individual in my support system must be open to unconventional and unusual inputs. 9. Flexible Just as and individual must be open to inputs, the person must be flexible in dealing with issues and finding solutions. 10. Resourceful Capable of helping to find solutions and additional help when the first line of options may not be available. 11. Creative Open and able to suggest unconventional solutions and improvement ideas that may go beyond known means. 12. Disciplined An individual in my sobriety support system should be reasonably disciplined in their own lives so that they can help me deal with issues without undue distraction. It is unreasonable to expect a person undisciplined in their own life to help me restore order to mine. 13. Familiar with me An individual in my support system should be reasonably familiar with me and my situation. 14. Knowledgeable An individual in my support system should be knowledgeable about alcoholism, others in my support system, and the first line of defense options for my condition. 15. Sober Any individual in my support system must be consistently sober, with established periods of sobriety.

Lionrock Homework, Phase 3, Step 7 Coping Strategies

3.9 Now that you have created a List of 10 Relapse Warning Signs, create coping strategies you can implement for each warning sign to avoid and relapse by answering the following questions: “I can manage these thoughts by…..”, “I can manage these feelings by….” and “I can manage these actions by….”. Isolating Myself I can manage these thoughts by: Making connections with loved ones, friends and my support structure I can manage these feelings by: Talking openly and honestly with these people I can manage these actions by: Making connections and reminding myself that I’m not abandoned, even if I’m physically separated from people. Starving Myself I can manage these thoughts by: Being realistic about my body and reminding myself I have “body issues” I can manage these feelings by: Eating a healthy food option I can manage these actions by: Keeping up my diet, eating healthy things on a regular basis. Worrying Over the Future I can manage these thoughts by: Staying within each day, focusing on those things that I can control I can manage these feelings by: Keeping focused on things I can control today I can manage these actions by: Staying within today’s issues and not getting pulled down by “what ifs” Put Unrealistic Expectations on Myself I can manage these thoughts by: Setting expectations that can be achieved I can manage these feelings by: Reminding myself that I don’t have to be Superman I can manage these actions by: Staying within myself, and reminding me of what great people my kids have become Thinking I Don’t Need Help Anymore I can manage these thoughts by: Going to meetings/ Counseling I can manage these feelings by: Helping others I can manage these actions by: Continuing the maintenance of attending meetings, sharing openly and doing service Focus on Other People’s Issues I can manage these thoughts by: Taking care of my side of the street first I can manage these feelings by: Doing my own self-maintenance I can manage these actions by: Seeking out advice and help through meetings and counseling Depression I can manage these thoughts by: Keep taking my Lexapro I can manage these feelings by: Being aware of where I am mentally and seeking out help if I sense I’m in a “slow slide” I can manage these actions by: Getting help before I have a big problem Dwelling on Old Painful Issues I can manage these thoughts by: Reconciling those issues, realizing where I have responsibility and forgiving others. I can manage these feelings by: Praying I can manage these actions by: Praying and trusting these things to God Exhaustion I can manage these thoughts by: Setting realistic expectations for my schedule and leaving time to relax and enjoy myself I can manage these feelings by: Actively engaging in self care, giving myself enough time to rest and relax I can manage these actions by: Providing enough time to rest as a priority Repressing Anger/ Frustration I can manage these thoughts by: Speaking out calmly, expressing my feelings instead of repressing them I can manage these feelings by: Telling someone else in my support network if I can’t tell a family member I can manage these actions by: Not repressing feelings and dealing with them when I need to, including that sometimes I just need to let them pass.

Lionrock Homework, Phase 3, Step 6: Circumstances under which I am likely to relapse

Under What Circumstances Am I Most Likely to Drink Again There are several circumstances that could lead me to drink again. I’ll list them in order of impact: 1. Isolation There was a time when I would have written that this was physical isolation. It is not. In fact, it is isolation from the people who are important in my life and, upon reflection, I find that this isolation is almost always self-imposed. Physical distance from my loved ones is not that important- after all I’ve spent most of my adult life traveling for business away from my family and didn’t have a problem. The real difficulty for me is when I isolate myself. This means I don’t call people, I don’t text, facetime or reach out. For me, keeping up these contacts is like preventive maintenance. If I keep up these contacts and feel connected with my friends, support, and family, or have almost no chance of relapsing. 2. Starving Myself My last several relapses followed after I was trying to starve myself or lose weight. The last one was after an ill-conceived 48 hour fast. Interestingly, after drinking to the point of blacking out, I still didn’t eat and drank again the next day. My blood sugar drops and gives me a very strong craving to drink at a level which I never experience otherwise. 3. Worrying Over the Future I’m very good at worrying about the future- thinking about all the horrible things that could happen. I’m especially good at “if this, then that” thinking, extrapolating from failure to failure to make a nightmare scenario of how a small issue today could turn into ultimate disaster. Engaging in this kind of thinking drives up my anxiety like crazy and makes me depressed and very prone to drinking. The way to combat this is to keep it to one day at a time. 4. Not Seeking Help I firmly believe that I’ll never drink again unless I stop getting help. This may involve counseling, AA or other support systems. Thinking that I don’t need help anymore is the path to hell. Not actively getting help lets me distort my thinking into believing that my drinking really wasn’t so bad. That those were “isolated incidents” and that I can be “normal” again. I have a disease that will always need treated, for my entire life. If I stop getting treatment, it can (and probably will) kill me.

Lionrock Homework Phase 3, Step 3- Behaviors that could damage my Recovery

10 Behaviors that could damage my Recovery 1. Wallowing in Self-Pity: When I’m actively feeling sorry for myself and thinking about how bad I have it, I tend to drink. 2. Worrying over the future: I extrapolate into the future about all the horrible things that could happen. This makes me feel hopeless and makes me want to drink. 3. Placing too high of expectations on myself: I think my level of personal success or level of support I should give my family is impossibly high and feeling like a failure, and makes me want to drink to the point of passing out so I don’t have to think about it. 4. Isolating myself: Actively neglecting all of my personal contact points and making myself isolated. When I isolate myself is the only time that I drink. 5. Actively trying not to think of emotionally painful issues: Repressing emotional pain from a variety of events, wanting to drink until I pass out or sleep. 6. Repressing anger: Thinking of and dwelling on current or past issues that I’m angry about and wanting to drink to make it go away. 7. Starving myself: Starving myself to try to lose weight makes me crave alcohol. 8. Failing to pray and meditate: This leaves me uncentered and ungrounded, and leads to drinking 9. Failing to exercise: This leave me without release and tends to make me pent up and nervous 10. Failing to relax/ do enjoyable activities: Very important, failing to relax and enjoy myself makes me open to a lot of negative thoughts, that turn into drinking

Lionrock Homework Phase 3, Step 2: 10 Thoughts that pose a threat to your Recovery

Make a list of 10 thoughts that pose a threat to your Recovery. 1. I’m a failure: I haven’t succeeded, and failed to achieve what I needed to in life. I’m wasted potential. 2. I’m going to get fired: I’m doomed because of circumstances at work and everyone in my family will suffer because of it. 3. I let everyone down that depends on me: I’ve failed to provide for everyone the way I should and I’ve failed in my most basic function as a father and husband. 4. Everyone has abandoned me: I’ve been left alone and no one cares. 5. No one will help me: Every one knows I have a problem, but no one is helping me get better. This proves they don’t care 6. No one will know: If I have just one drink alone, no one else will know, so what’s the harm? 7. I don’t have a drinking problem, I just don’t manage drinking well: This is the classic alcoholic thought, that somehow I can just manage drinking better and then it’d be no problem. 8. I don’t really need help: I wasn’t really that bad, I don’t really need counseling, AA, or any of that stuff. I’ll be OK on my own. 9. It’s crazy to think I’ll never drink again: If it’s crazy to think I’ll never ever even have so much as one beer for the rest of my entire life, why not have one right now? 10. It would be nice to be “normal” again: I’d like to go back to being like “everyone else” and have a drink or two and not make a disaster of myself (truth: I was never, ever, like “everyone else”).

Lionrock Homework Phase 3, Step 1: Identify 10 places that pose a threat to your Recovery

Phase 3 Homework, Step 1: Identify 10 places that pose a threat to your recovery, write a brief description after each place describing why you chose it. 1. Airports: I had (perhaps) my worst relapse in an airport and drinking in airport lounges was a common habit for me. 2. Any place where I’m alone: Almost every time I got horribly/ blackout drunk, it was when I was drinking alone. 3. Car: In the past I drank alone in the car (and while I was driving) 4. Hotels: I often drank from hotel mini-bars or had beer from Room Service when I was alone. 5. My bedroom at home: I often drank there alone, drinking my wife’s box of cheap wine. 6. Company social functions: All of these seem to be alcohol based. 7. Pubs: I really enjoy the atmosphere and old style beer 8. China: This is the place where I drank the most, had the most blackouts, had the worst behavior, etc… much of my experience in China was alcohol based. 9. Liquor stores: for obvious reasons 10. Gas Stations: Tall cans seem to be readily available everywhere even if you don’t seek them out.

Cognitive Distortion Homework Part 2

Cognitive Distortion Homework

My Phase 2 Homework is on Cognitive Distortions (I wrote about the different types of Cognitive Distortions in a previous post). I'm share it here--- please remember that I'm sharing openly. It is uncensored and represents what I thought before, so please don't get worried about me when you read it: Three Cognitive Distortions you tend to use most often and give a personal example of the automatic negative thoughts: Cognitive Distortion: Fortune Teller Effect Automatic Negative Thoughts: If I don’t complete this task at an outstanding level, my boss will think badly of me, they’ll decide I’m ineffective and I’ll get fired. Cognitive Distortion: Disqualifying the positive Automatic Negative Thoughts: I had a good weekend with my family, but now I’m alone and abandoned where I work and it shows that no one really cares about me. The good weekend was just a mirage. Cognitive Distortion: Should statements Automatic Negative Thoughts: I should have been able to pay for all of my kid’s educations, and should have been able to send my wife and kids on more trips, should have been able to give my kids a nest egg when they started out, should have been able to pay for a bigger wedding, better wedding dress, etc…. Because I didn’t or couldn’t I let everyone down and I’m a failure. Thoughts/ Feelings/ Urges/ Actions Related to Family or Significant Other Old Thoughts: No one cares about me, I’ve been abandoned here alone and they only care if I generate income. They know I need help, they know I’m suffering but no one will help me. Feelings: Abandoned. Forgotten. Urges: Forget this pain and sleep. Actions: Drink until I pass out. New Thoughts: My family loves me and cares for me, even if we’re apart physically Feelings: Accepted, supported, loved Urges: Make contact with my family Actions: Call them, facetime, text them Related to your friends Old Thoughts: I need to drink or they won’t accept me, our social life revolves around drinking Feelings: Endangered, on the verge of being rejected Urges: Fit in and be accepted Actions: Drink a lot to make sure I impress everyone New Thoughts: My friends like me for who I am Feelings: Accepted, appreciated, valued Urges: See my friends when I’m sober, with my real personality showing Actions: Stay sober and be myself Related to your ability to stay sober Old Thoughts: I won’t be able to stay sober. How could I go my whole life without having another Guiness? The idea is ridiculous, besides I don’t really have a drinking problem, I just have a problem managing my drinking. Feelings: Hopeless Urges: Might as well drink now, if I can’t go forever without having one. I’ll manage it better this time. Actions: Have a drink, followed by many more New Thoughts: I just need to stay sober today Feelings: Confident, capable Urges: Get through the wave of cravings Actions: Step away, stay sober Related to Work Old Thoughts: I’m a failure, whatever I do that’s good is going to be wiped away by one mistake, one forgotten thing, one bad performance, a new boss or a change of organization Feelings: Hopeless, doomed Urges: Drink so don’t think about it anymore Actions: Get enough to drink that I pass out. New Thoughts: I do my job the best that I can and I do it well. That is within my control. Feelings: Confident, satisfied Urges: Stay sober to stay sharp and do my best Actions: Don’t drink , stay sober and strong Related to treatment at Lionrock Old Thoughts: This won’t help, I’m a hopeless case. Feelings: Hopeless, Doomed to fail and disappoint everyone Urges: Quit so I don’t have to talk about my problem, since it won’t be solved anyway Actions: Quit Lionrock New Thoughts: I can stay sober I just need help Feelings: Hopeful Urges: Seek out help Actions: Share my feelings and experiences openly, take advice

30 Seconds

The old AA adage is to take it 24 hours at a time. The extension of that adage is that sometimes it's 10 minutes at a time. For me, it seems like it's usually 30 seconds. I haven't really had any strong urges to drink during my most recent sobriety period, but I have had many moments where I had to make a decision quickly, often when I was surprised. For example, I was in a Gas Station getting a Diet Coke and saw not only beer but hard alcohol and wine near the cooler. This really surprised me and threw me off. It sent a bit of a shock through my system, and I stepped back, re-gathered myself, got my pop and walked out. I've already written about another time I went into an airport lounge at 8 AM and was confronted with a shelf full of every kind of hard liquor you could imagine. In that case, I got some cereal and sat down on the other side of the lounge. The real trick to this is that I actually don't have to make an active decision. Sometimes I can just not make a decision at all. These things come in waves, the shock or surprise passes in 10-30 seconds and it's gone. I got my 90 day coin this week in South Carolina and today is my actual 90th day. My drinking seems so far away and at the same time it feels like it was yesterday. I have a lot of confidence in my continued recovery and, maybe for the first time, I can say I'm comfortable with it. By this I mean I don't feel tension, anxiety, or nervousness when I think about staying sober. It's starting to feel very normal. Why is this? I think part of it is just the passage of time. It's the "new normal". Part of it is that in the past I had long periods of abstaining from alcohol (e.g. when we went to the Baptist Church in Elkhart), so now I'm returning to a familiar behavior pattern that I recognize, a little like getting on a bicycle after having not ridden one for several years. The final part I learning new behaviors to undo damage from my drinking days, including 1) When confronted with the urge to drink "eat a sandwich, say a prayer and wait 10 minutes" is my personal coping strategy. I have to admit that I've never had to use this one, but I think it would be very effective- alcoholics don't eat when they drink(it kills the effect, so what's the point), even a bad prayer is a great deterrent, and cravings come in waves that you just need to wait out. 2) Don't go or leave early. When confronted with a difficult situation, I can just leave-- or just not go in the first place. I've used this on work trips. I backed out of the wine tasting in France, for obvious reasons. Another night we had dinner and it turned out they had an hour of cocktails first. I drank a Perrier, talked to the important people, skipped dinner and went back to the hotel and ordered room service. 3) Make the world a little more friendly. I'll always encounter alcohol everywhere, but I now take some simple steps to make it a little better. I usually stay at Hilton's when I travel and my profile says to remove the alcohol from the mini-bar. I now take short layovers on flights so I have less dead time in airports. My Delta profile now says not to bump me up to First Class so I don't have to cope with free unlimited alcohol (and seatmates drinking Bloody Mary's). Every little bit helps. and 4) 30 seconds. When confronted with the thought of drinking, decide not to- but if you can't, at least don't make a decision for 30 seconds while the shock passes.

To Lion Rock or Not?

I had a lot of time to consider whether to continue in Lion Rock or not. I wasn't so sure. Financially, everything was OK, but sometimes the Group Sessions really bring me down. In the end, I decided (at least for now) it's a net positive and I will continue with it. I have doubts about this, but time will tell. Honestly, the key factor was that if I quit I can't get back in, but if I stay in, I can quit any time.

Positive or Negative?

One thing I consistently struggle with in recovery is the other people I encounter. My recovery is going very well, and I feel very strong and a changed person on the inside, but alcoholism and addiction is a terrible thing and I am reminded of that at nearly every group counseling session and every AA meeting. I may not see these people very often, but relationships grow very quickly as we share a bond as alcoholics trying to recover. I feel very close to all of these people very fast. When they struggle, and they often do, it really bothers me. T from Walhalla was in every meeting for the first 3 weeks I went to AA then disappeared, only to reappear and take a white chip again a month later. J from Florence and I hit it off and started to go to AA at about the same time. A smart guy and professional writer, he too disappeared for a while, returned and claimed to have been sober (he was lying and everyone knew it-- alcoholics cannot fool other alcoholics). J in Lion Rock has been married about the same number of years as me and was ahead of me in recovery time-- he went on a 4 day relapse, returned for one meeting and has been gone for a month. C at Lion Rock is a funny, quirky accountant who had been on leave to go to rehab-- he was dreading his first day back to work and relapsed the night before and we haven't heard from him since. B at Lion Rock relapsed in an airport after 80 days of sobriety. J in my IOP relapses about every two weeks like clockwork- he has no relationships and no support network. T in my IOP falls apart every time they leave rehab or a Sober Living Community. Sometimes this environment is very hard to take. Last night I was feeling so positive and happy about the many wonderful things in our lives, and after group counseling I felt almost disabled. Is this interaction a positive or a negative for me? I waiver on this, but I think it's an over all positive. There's some value in being reminded of the horrible effects of alcoholism. One thing I struggle with is that I just really want to help-- but I'm far to early in my own recovery to start working on other people. I have my hands full dealing with myself. I also need to get to AA more often because there are many positive stories there--- I know many people who are 20+ years of sobriety. Obviously, I don't encounter those people at the Intensive Outpatient Group Counseling Sessions....

Ambivalence?

I struggle with part of my renewed life— where does yielding to God end and ambivalence begin? I have a new job opportunity in the company. I think it sounds good, but I’m yielding to God’s will. Honestly, I’m 100% OK with however it works out. How do I express this in my interview? If I said something like that, it’d sound like I didn’t care. I’ve been guilty many times of wanting what I wanted and asking God to give me a boost. This is the wrong approach and the right way is to yield to God’s will, but I can have an opinion, I can have goals, right? Maybe someday I’ll understand how this should work.

First Class

For my flights on Monday and Tuesday, I got upgraded to First Class on all four flights. Tonight, I called Delta and asked to be moved back to Economy. I also asked them to change my profile so I wouldn’t receive any more free upgrades in the future (I fly enough I receive a free upgrade almost every time). First Class is nice, but alcohol is free and most people drink on the plane. I once drank an entire bottle of wine on the plane before an International flight. It’s true you can still buy booze in coach, but the booziness of First Class is just not a good place for me. I’ve done something similar with Hilton. I travel enough, my Hilton profile included an option for a complimentary bottle of wine. Now (after some effort) my Hilton profile says to take everything out of the mini-bar before I arrive. Neither of these are huge sacrifices, but they’re just some of the odd steps you take as a recovering alcoholic.

Ghosts

I see ghosts everywhere. They’re always lurking in shadows and around corners waiting to surprise and horrify me. For me, those ghosts are from all the bad things I did drinking. My ghosts aren’t in scary old houses, they’re all around me. My ghosts are in the Yaris, the car I drive drunk for hours. They’re at South Cove Park where I had my last relapse, in my bedroom where I got drunk many times, the Thornton’s where I stopped when I was driving drunk with Kurt in the car, my blue shirt I wore the night I blacked out in Chicago, and so much more. I hate these ghosts but they have a purpose. That purpose is to remind me of how awful it was when I was drinking, just to make sure I never forget.

Thinking about things backwards.....

I have to give credit to Kris for this thought, but I'm happy to steal it! In regard to me and the eternal bugaboo of potential relapses, people tend to think of everything backwards. I find everyone is worried if I have stress, get depressed, have a bad day, get angry, stub my toe, or don't like my lunch that I might relapse. In fact, I never drank because something bad happened to me. I know that was the reason I gave at the time (e.g. I was sad about going to the dog house, I had to do the taxes, I was depressed, etc...), but I've grown to understand myself much better. I didn't drink because something bad happened to me. I drank because I was emotionally and mentally compromised and ill equipped to cope with the bad things that happened to me. Consider this---- much worse things have happened to people than I ever experienced, yet some of those people didn't drink. The reasons I did were medical, mental and emotional, but one of the big factors was that I was so messed up inside I couldn't deal with even minor bits of adversity. In short, please don't worry about me so much if some small thing goes wrong- that was never the cause of the problem. It is much more important to focus on my big picture mental and physical health and well-being.

The Road to Hell

Lion Rock has us share our homework assignments with the rest of our group. Last night, a guy named Ben read his life story. He’s had a lot of trouble, but the thing that hit me the hardest was that he used alcohol and nitrous oxide to the point that he couldn’t walk on his own or speak. The Doctors told his family that he may never speak normally again. Thank God he’s OK now, but his experience is a hard reminder of how horrible drug and alcohol addiction can be.

Cognitive Distortions

My Phase 2 Lion Rock homework is actually one big assignment. I'll post my progress on the assignment, a key idea is Cognitive Distortions. This is the description from Lion Rock: Our head can be a dangerous place, we often have patterns of self defeating thought that lead us to bad feelings and subsequently bad decisions. Remember, thoughts lead to feeling, feelings lead to urges and urges lead to actions. If we can learn to identify when a thought is distorted, we can correct it or redirect it in such a way that the bad feelings and actions are minimized. If we can teach ourselves to recognize a thought as a cognitive distortion we are more likely to be able to change our thoughts, moods, and behaviors. Here is a list of the 10 most common Cognitive Distortions. Take a look and see if any of them are getting in your way. Try and give personal examples of when you have experienced each one. All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. Mental filter: You pick our a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors an entire beaker of water. Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences. Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretations even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out. The Fortune Teller error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an established fact. Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny. Emotional reasoning: You assume your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. "I felt it, therefore it must be true" Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser". When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attached a negative label to him. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored or emotionally loaded. Personlization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

Obituary

My final assignment in Phase 1 for the Lion Rock Program is to write two obituaries, one for me if I didn't quit drinking and another one for me in recovery. The assignment was a little weird, because obituaries about people who die badly don't really say much, they're very succinct and kind of creepy in their brevity. So.... I wrote the obituary as well as an accompanying newspaper article, then my "good" obituary, which is a little boring (because obituaries for people that led good lives do tend to be pretty boring. Obituary 1 Daniel Grossman, age 53, passed away in the early morning hours of August 26, 2019. Daniel struggled with alcoholism and his family hopes that he has now found peace. Surviving are his parents (Gary and Marilynn Grossman), his wife (Kristine), 3 daughters (Kaitlin Biem, Courtney Jones, and Kelsey Grossman) and a son (Kurt). No memorial service will be held. Preferred memorials in the form of cash donations are requested for the Smith Family College Fund. Lexington Journal and Courier London, Kentucky- At approximately 7 AM this morning a red 2016 Toyota Yaris driven by Daniel Grossman, age 53, Independence, Kentucky, crossed the center line of I-75 just south of London, Kentucky. After crossing the median, Mr. Grossman’s Yaris struck a 2011 Ford Focus driven by Mr. Robert Smith, 37, London. Mr. Smith died immediately at the scene. Mr. Grossman was airlifted to Lexington General Hospital but succumbed to his injuries. According to toxicology tests conducted at the hospital, Mr. Grossman’s Blood Alcohol Content was three times the legal limit. Obituary 2 Daniel Grossman, age (something old) died in his sleep (some date in the future). Daniel was a loving family man, who coached many youth sports teams and volunteered at several local charities. Surviving Daniel are his wife (Kristine), three daughters (Kaitlin Biem, Courtney Jones, and Kelsey Whatever) and one son (Kurt), 9 Grandchildren and 3 Great-grandchildren. Memorial Services will be held (sometime soon), with preferred memorials to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Step 6

Having finally completed Step 5, I need to start on the next sequence of AA Steps. The ones I have completed are: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable, 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, 3. Made a decision to turn our will an our lives over to the care of God, 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and 5. Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. The next sequence for me begins with #6: 6. We entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, 7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings, 8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I feel pretty good about Step 6 already, but I've learned to spend a few days praying on it first. I'm very happy to have Steps 1-5 behind me. Completing those Steps was one of the most difficult things I've had to do.

The Myth of the Positive Effects of Alcohol

Paris (AFP) - Even an occasional glass of wine or beer increases the risk of health problems and dying, according to a major study on drinking in 195 nations that attributes 2.8 million premature deaths worldwide each year to booze. "There is no safe level of alcohol," said Max Griswold, a researcher at the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Seattle, Washington and lead author for a consortium of more than 500 experts. Despite recent research showing that light-to-moderate drinking reduces heart disease, the new study found that alcohol use is more likely than not to do harm. "The protective effect of alcohol was offset by the risks," Griswold told AFP in summarising the results, published in medical journal The Lancet on Friday. "Overall, the health risks associated with alcohol rose in line with the amount consumed each day." Compared to abstinence, imbibing one "standard drink" -- 10 grammes of alcohol, equivalent to a small beer, glass of wine or shot of spirits -- per day, for example, ups the odds of developing at least one of two dozen health problems by about half-a-percent, the researchers reported. Looked at one way, that seems like a small increment: 914 out of 100,000 teetotallers will encounter those problems, compared to 918 people who imbibe seven times per week. "But at the global level, that additional risk of 0.5 percent among (once-a-day) drinkers corresponds to about 100,000 additional deaths each year," said senior author Emmanuela Gakidou, a professor at the University of Washington and a director at the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation. - 'Less is better, none is best' - "Those are excess deaths, in other words, that could be avoided," she told AFP. The risk climbs in a steep "J-curve", the study found. An average of two drinks per day, for example, translated into a 7.0 percent hike in disease and injury compared to those who opt for abstinence. With five "units" of alcohol per day, the likelihood of serious consequences jumps by 37 percent. The "less is better, none is best" finding jibes with the World Health Organization's long-standing position, but is at odds with many national guidelines, especially in the developed world. Britain's health authority, for example, suggests not exceeding 14 drinks per week "to keep health risks from alcohol to a low level". "There is always a lag between the publication of new evidence and the modification and adoption of revised guidelines," said Gakidou, who admitted to being an "occasional drinker" herself. "The evidence shows what the evidence shows, and I -- like 2.4 billion other people on the planet that also consume alcohol -- need to take it seriously." Overall, drinking was the seventh leading risk factor for premature death and disease in 2016, accounting for just over two percent of deaths in women and nearly seven percent in men.

Down Days

I had kind of a down day yesterday. It was really no big deal- I wasn’t upset by anything in particular, but I had a little jet lag and basically woke up on the gloomy side of the bed. With my history, of course this was mildly alarming to the people who love me, making everyone worried I was headed down the road to relapse. As Kris said yesterday, “everyone just wants to put me in emotional bubble wrap”. This is understandable, but I need to remember the focus of my recovery can’t be avoiding down days or upsetting things. The cause of my drinking was always a lot deeper than getting upset about something. The focus of my recovery needs to be learning to cope with adversity, problems, and down days like a normal, balanced human.

Hello Letter

Following my assignment to write a "Dear John" letter to alcohol, my next assignment is to write a "hello letter" to recovery (honestly, writing the goodbye letter was much more fun). In the interest of sharing, here it is..... Dear Recovery, My name is Daniel and I’ve just finished an abusive relationship with alcohol. I know, I know… I’m on the rebound. I know you get a lot of that, but I’m serious about having a long term, committed relationship with you. I have no interest in ever resuming my relationship with alcohol. In fact, it makes me feel queasy to even think about alcohol. Alcohol would tell you I abused it, but in truth it abused me. Look at the evidence—I suffered at alcohol’s hands, damaging all of my relationships and hurting everyone that I loved. What damage has alcohol suffered because of me? None! Just look around you, alcohol is doing just fine without me! I really want to build a strong relationship with you and to that end, I’m taking actions to demonstrate my commitment. I’ve been going to AA for four months now, almost every night. I know that I still went back to alcohol, but I needed more. I started going to Lionrock and have been doing that for about 6 weeks. It gives me skills and tools to stay away from alcohol for good. In addition, I’ve made major changes in my life. I eat a better, balanced diet and don’t try to starve myself anymore, I meditate and prayer to keep my head straight, and I get enough sleep and exercise. The people in my life say that I act and look different that I did before. I’d like our relationship to grow. I have more in mind than just getting through each day without a black out. I want to be an involved, helpful father, a loving and appreciative husband, and productive worker, and more than that I want to use my life to help other people. I can’t do those things without you. Please give me a chance. Daniel

Step 5

I completed Step 5 today, in a very unconventional way. Just to remind anyone that may have forgotten, the first 5 steps of AA are: (Sorry, these are in my “unofficial” wording) 1. Admit you have a problem and your life has become unmanageable. 2. Realize that God alone has the remedy for the problem. 3. Turn your will and life over to God to manage your addiction. 4. Make an unflinching moral inventory (this includes going through resentments you’ve held against people, why, and where you are at fault, listing fears, why you have them and how they effected your behavior, and listing all harms you have done to other people. 5. Share the exact nature and details of your failings with yourself, God, and another human being. My Step 5 was unconventional in that a) I wrote it down (I’ve never heard of a Step 5 being written), b) the person I chose to share it with was Kris (I have NEVER EVER heard of Step 5 shared with a spouse), and c) she received my Step 5 while flying on an airplane. I’ll share my experiences later when I work on Step 6.

Goodbye Letter

For my Rehab, we are required to write a "Goodbye Letter" to alcohol. Here's mine: Dear Alcohol, I’d like to say it pains me to write this, but it doesn’t. I know I’m supposed to say things between us were good once—and while I think they were way, way back when—it’s been so long I’m not completely sure that memory is real or just something I made up. From my side, I gave up everything I could to keep our relationship going. You needed me to lie to the people who loved me? Done! You wanted me to lose my dignity and self-respect? OK! You asked for all of my spare time, and I turned it over willingly. At first you wanted me to take headaches and a foul disposition the morning after we were together. Later, you wanted my brain for the next 3 days after I spent the evening with you. No problem for me! For you I endangered myself, my children, my family, my job, and sacrificed all of my self respect. I was like Silverstein’s Giving Tree for you. I gave up everything until only a stump was left. All this, and what did you give me? Nothing. Nothing but whispered remembrances of far off and long forgotten happy beer buzzes and warm feelings that never seemed to come around. When these failed to appear, you always said one more would do it, then one more after that, and one more again. But nothing ever made that happy buzzy feeling I think I knew years and years ago return. You lied to me and said you’d make me social, brave, calm, happy and creative. You just made me dumb, slow, angry and lonely. There’s nothing here for me now. Honestly, there’s been nothing here for me for years, and I’m sure you’ve always known that because our relationship has always been only about you. I’m moving on.

Good Side-Effects of Jet Lag

I’m on my 3rd day in Europe and the jet lag is (predictably) hitting me hard. I was up last night at 12:30, wide awake and used the opportunity to join my counseling group that meets online at 6:30 EST. It was a good meeting and lightened my spirits, however I really felt badly for one guy named Ben. Ben, who looks like Ferris Bueller, was on my first call ever and had relapsed the day before. At the time it really bothered me because his reason was that he was stressed because his flight was delayed (???) and he didn’t seem too bothered by the relapse. Today, he was allowed to join group again for the first time and is on 33 days sober. He reintroduced himself to the group and said he had been in in-patient rehab 3 times in the past two years in addition to living in “sober living” homes twice for several months. Basically, every time he gets back around alcohol he relapsed. Alcoholics come in a variety of flavors and I’m glad I’m not in Ben’s shoes. We tried to encourage him, but I really have doubts if he’ll ever make it.

Travel challenges

Just a snapshot to show what life’s is like traveling. I’m fine sober and not tempted at all, but it’s always shocking when you walk into the lounge and see this—

Daniel’s traveling tonight on a plane...

Tonight, I fly to France and I have to admit it brings back thoughts of my travels two trips ago (note, I said “thoughts” not “memories” because I don’t have many memories of that night). I think it’s natural but it’s dangerous to dwell on it. It’s good to acknowledge and recognize those horrendous past events, but I can’t live there. Right now, I’m getting ready to head to the airport and I feel confident, strong, and positive. I’m very different than I was before. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me to stumble again, but it does mean that as long as I stay within myself and within the day, I’ll be OK.

Life Story

As part of my intensive outpatient program, I have homework. My most recent homework was to write my "life story". This was to contain my childhood and major influences as well as my experiences with alcohol. It had to be 5-7 pages long. I'm sharing it here without edits. You are welcomed to read it, but it's a little raw from my perspective. Life Story Daniel Grossman I am the 5th child in a family of 6. My father was a farmer and he and my mother struggled to make ends meet with all the hungry mouths to feed. When I was too young to really know what was going on, my mother became very ill with Lupus. Years later my Dad would say he thought he was going to lose her. I don’t have much memory of this, except that at one point she had a hospital bed in the living room that I always wanted to climb up onto, but couldn’t. It was decided that I would be taken care of by my grandmother and aunt while my mom was sick. My little sister (14 months younger than I am and a perpetually sunny fop of blonde hair with a huge smile) went with them everywhere. We had our own bedroom in their house, although sometimes we slept in our own home. My aunt and my grandmother were our caretakers for many years. At some point, my mother’s health improved- although being a kid I don’t really know when- but she never really re-engaged with us. She could have been too ill to cope with small children for years, I really don’t know- but she was cleaning the house, going to church, going shopping, etc… It was my aunt and grandmother who took us to all the kids movies at the theaters, took us to the library, to carnivals, etc…. My relationship with my mother still remains distant. We are polite and I know she loves me, but she never really acted like my mother. Somehow, we didn’t quite bond. At any rate, my father was about the same. I don’t think the poor man knew what to do with a seriously ill wife and six hungry children. He was up before everyone else every morning and always came in from work after dark. He usually came in for dinner after 9 PM. Like my mother, my dad was kind, but distant. We didn’t have any experiences of playing catch, shooting baskets, etc… We had small outings but they were rare. As I became older and reached middle school, my aunt caretaker lost interest in me. She often regarded me with something that bordered on disgust. I was fat, unconfident, and I got bad grades in school. She was a career elementary teacher and I think she couldn’t stand older kids anyway. I remember feeling very lost, with the exception of my grandmother. I was a pretty popular kid in elementary school, but that changed in Junior High and I began to feel very, very lonely. My parents and aunts were very disinterested in what I was doing, something really continued for the rest of my life. I played basketball (badly), did public speaking, plays, and lots of music, but they almost had to be dragged along if at all. It was at this time that I met the first real mentor in my life. His name was Kevin and he taught 8th grade English. He had a quirky sense of humor and knew that I played piano and would tease me about it during class. Eventually, he took me and other boys in my class to the Fort Wayne Philharmonic several times, and out to nice restaurants. He was a big force in my life. My next mentor and major life influence was a worse choice. His name was James and he was my Speech Coach. I found out I was really good at Speech and James took me under his wing. James was snarky and looked down on people and things in a way that really appealed to a lonely High School Sophomore. I found out later that James had affairs with multiple female students. Later, he adopted and subsequently abandoned four orphaned children. Not kidding. I was good at music and public speaking so this became my social group and it was there that I had my first experience with alcohol. One of my friends was Wes and his parents had a house on a lake. I would go out on the lake with him and other friends and we would play Trivial Pursuit and drink Bartles and James Coolers. This was pretty harmless, but one night Wes had gotten into beer and was pretty drunk. He was also the only one that knew how to drive the boat. A big storm started to form up over the lake and Wes tore off driving the boat at high speed in the darkness toward his house. I don’t know how we didn’t kill someone or ourselves. We thought it was great fun. My later experiences with alcohol were in college, but it was all small stuff. I remember getting “drunk” to watch The Wall. I think I had two beers. We sometimes went to house parties and got “drunk” but it was very minor. I rarely drank for most of my early adulthood. When I was about 30 and we had two small children, we went to a Baptist Church and I stopped drinking at the time completely. This was easy for me- Neither of my parents drank. Then I started going to China. My company was starting a new site in China and I went there often to help. Beer drinking is a big thing in China. Nevertheless, on my first several trips I never drank despite many many attempts to get me to drink beer. After a year of traveling back and forth, I moved to China is 2005 with my wife and four children. At that point I decided I wasn’t a member of the Baptist Church anymore and I was going to drink beer. It turns out I was very good at it. The China drinking culture is huge. You drink beer from small cups, but many small cups. The procedure is to call the name of someone else at the table, hold up your cup, and say “Gan Bei”. This means “Dry Glass”. You tap cups, holding it lower than the other person when you tap to show respect, then drink all of the contents as quickly as you can. It’s best if you do this faster than your partner. You hold up your arm with cup in hand until your partner is done, then turn the cup over to show you have both consumed every drop. As you could imagine, this production become more involved and more of a struggle as the evening goes on and more and more beer is consumed. I got a lot of face by basically drinking groups of people under that table. I was considered very cool because of this, along with the fact that I was a foreigner, hung around with Chinese and spoke a little Chinese. My wife, an excellent drinker herself, became a good team. Her blonde hair, beauty and sparkling personality made us a power couple. Drinking in China was all fun and games until it started to fall apart. I would drink 10 “pings” or large bottles, of beer at dinners with friends doing this “Gan Bei” thing (a ping is about 32 ounces- no kidding), and we’d do it in about an hour and a half. Sometimes we’d forget to eat. Eventually, I started to black out and my wife would tend to me and make sure I got home. Business occasions were the same, and my Assistant was under standing orders to make sure she wasn’t as drunk as me to make sure I got back to my room. I spent 3 years in China blacking out during these social occasions, all with the support of my wife or my assistant in the name of meeting Chinese social expectations. I used to say I was the most famous beer drinker in Guangdong Province, but there’s no way that’s actually true. I am pretty sure I was the most famous beer drinker in FengGang Town in Guangdong, which doesn’t sound like much until you found out FengGang Town has about 600,000 residents. My last year in China, I became very depressed. We had built a very successful business from scratch with a close knit team, and I had the task of hiring my replacement then turning things over to him. Turning things over to the new guy, Joe, made me feel like I was dying. I had an apartment in the town where our factory was located (Zhongshan) and my family was in the city where the English-speaking school was located (Shenzhen). I was alone every night in Zhongshan and started to spend my evenings at the Irish Bar down the street drinking 3 pint glasses of Guiness. I used to count until I had 6. Eventually I quit counting. I was usually capable of getting a taxi back to my hotel (eventually the same driver took to waiting outside the bar to take me home every night for an exhorbitant fee). We loved living in China. My boss said I could stay there and write my own ticket for whatever I wanted to do. I was torn. I loved it there, but I knew it was killing me. I had a deadline of 3 months to tell my boss what we wanted to do and my wife and I had many agonizing conversations about it. At the end of three months, we told my boss we wanted to stay, and were answered with silence. The Great Recession was approaching and the company would move us back to the USA. For the last year in China, I drank more than any person should ever drink. We moved from China to South Texas and I worked running a factory in Mexico. Remarkably, I stopped drinking. Well, almost. I would still enjoy the occasional tall can, especially on the beach, but my drinking was very limited. After two years in Texas, we moved to Indiana, then Pennsylvania. As the stress of my job increased my drinking increased in PA. Sometimes I drank to much , but it wasn’t such a chronic thing. I lost my job in Pennsylvania in a corporate cutback and we relocated to Cincinnati. The job stress followed me and my drinking patterns stayed the same- probably unhealthy, but not crazy out of control. The Cincinnati job turned weird when the mentally unstable CEO (really, I am not kidding) cleaned house and fired all the good people right and left. He decided to keep me, but I could read the handwriting on the wall. I took a job in South Carolina with the agreement with my wife that we would relocate there after my son finished his last year in High School. I got off to a good start in South Carolina, but it immediately became clear that my wife and family would not be visiting me very frequently, contrary to our original plans. It was hard to manage with responsibilities and jobs back in Cincinnati. To save money I rented the cheapest place I could find- a $450 a month half of an old house. It didn’t seem so bad at first but I later figured out the neighborhood was visited by local law enforcement almost every night. I grew accustomed to waking up and seeing blue lights flash outside my window. Shortly thereafter, it became very clear that my wife and family wouldn’t be moving down to South Carolina after graduation. Logically, I knew this was for many solid reasons and our original plan was ill-conceived but I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I became very depressed. I felt unloved and abandoned, and feelings from my mother leaving me to someone else and my aunt dropping me as an adolescent came rushing back. I became deeply depressed and drank to try to make it going away. I never drank every day, but when I did drink it would go out of control very quickly. I attribute this to brain damage from heavy bingeing in China and learned habits of drinking very quickly. One of the first times this got way out of control, I was bringing luggage down stairs in preparation to drive my daughter back to college. I had been drinking from my wife’s box of cheap wine and fell down the stairs and smashed my head into the drywall, leaving a dent that is still there today. My family talked me into going to the ER and, while the side of my face turned black and blue, there was no real damage. I missed a day of work, used make up to hide the bruises and made up a story about being in a car accident. On another occasion, I started drinking (again my wife’s box of cheap wine) while doing taxes and ended up terrorizing my family, screaming up and down the street and scaring my youngest daughter so bad she went to the Dollar General to hide. The kids hid the car keys from me that day. One weekend I was going to meet my wife at a campground in Virginia, and I drank the whole way from South Carolina to Viriginia. At one point I drove through a sobriety check point, but they didn’t stop me. Later I got confused about where I was going and turned around and drove through the same checkpoint a second time. I blacked out on some off the main path mountain road in Virginia. My wife managed to find me, but to this day I don’t really know how. One of the worst nights came when I was flying back from a business meeting in Panama. I had a beer in Panama, and two glasses of wine at the United Lounge in Orlando. Somehow, I was woken at about 2 AM by the Chicago Police banging on my door. I eventually figured out that I blacked out at the airport, missed my flight, rebooked for the next day, booked a hotel and somehow (not sure how) got to the hotel 2 miles from the airport. Once at the hotel, I wandered around for two hours inside, unable to find my room. I would learn that the only thing that kept me from leaving the hotel and wandering into a very bad part of Chicago was a kind hearted overnight desk clerk who kept me from leaving the hotel. All this time, my wife and kids were following me on Life360, desperately trying to contact me to make sure I was safe. I really, really scarred my family with this one, especially my wife. My final episode I was camping while working in South Carolina to save money and on a rainy, lonely night decided to drink in my tent. I’m not so how, but I ended up driving around and couldn’t find my campsite. I had some kind of confrontation with another camper and an unpleasant encounter with a ranger. I don’t know why he didn’t call the police but he told me to get back to my tent and stay there. I drove home the next day but on impulse bought a tall can which I drank as I drove. I was drunk by the time I got home and failed a breathalyzer by a long shot. There many more stories than these. I really horrified my kids and traumatized my wife more times than I can recount here. I often wish there was a way to make all of the past go away but there isn’t. My recovery has come in phases. Several months ago, I saw a Doctor for my depression and was prescribed Lexapro. This really helped and I felt much better, but I still couldn’t quit drinking to manage my feelings. After the Chicago airport incident, I went to AA for the first time in Walhalla, South Carolina, and said for the first time “My name is Daniel and I’m an alcoholic.” Until that point, I was in denial that I was an alcoholic. Although there was a huge amount of evidence to the contrary, I couldn’t admit to myself that I was an alcoholic. After the Chicago Airport fiasco, even I couldn’t deny it. AA helped and I stayed sober for 32 days, but the 32 days were a terrible struggle. I was working through my Moral Inventory (AA Step 3) when I relapsed on day 33. I didn’t have the skills to cope with my feeling and issues inside my brain. I continued to try AA but relapsed again. After the drunken drive home from South Carolina, I spent the night in prayer, desperately crying for a solution to help me. God answers the prayers of a crushed spirit and he helped me. It was after this that, after figuring our financially we couldn’t afford and in-patient program, that something like Lionrock existed. I travel frequently and it would be almost impossible for me to attend a physical location on a regular basis. I thank God for having me run the Google search that found Lionrock. Lionrock has helped a lot. I’ve begun to use more meditation, which really helps me to manage emotions and situations. I use HALT to understand triggers or stressors in my life and to manage them. In AA they say you have to just go 24 hours at a time, but sometimes it’s 10 minutes at a time or even 1 minute at a time. I’ve used the principles I learned in Lionrock to form my own strategy if faced with an urge to drink- wait 10 minutes, say a prayer, and eat a sandwich. It sounds goofy but it works really well. I started with Lionrock 44 days ago. I feel confident about the future and positive, but I have no illusions about the work I have do to recover.

Recovering from recovery

Recovery, at first, is really, really awful. Trying to stop drinking when it has become your standard way to deal with feelings, issues, and stress is- quite honestly- a real bitch. But I’m past that. I’m on day 43 and feeling good. I am confident and know that as long as I stay within the day, I’ll be just fine. My only problem now is recovering from the recovery. I’m doing well, but my alcoholism did a lot damage, some to me but more to the people around me. The residue and impact of this damage is still around. Sometimes I’ll be going through life happy, sober, and confident, then the effect of the damage I’ve done comes around and smacks me in the face like a 2x4. It’s a very incongruent feeling. I almost feel guilty for feeling happy and confident. immediately, you feel like a loser drunk again. All those feelings of depression and hopelessness come rushing right back into my brain. Recovery has become easy. Recover from memories and effects of what I’ve dine is not.

Signs of a potential relapse...

From my Counselor, Larry—-

Shoes

Tonight at AA, we read a story from the “Big Book” (aka the AA Bible) where a lady described being so drunk she woke up outside, in winter, without her shoes- and no idea where they went. I’ve never done that, but it reminded me of something... when I was drinking, when I woke up in the morning and my shoes were off it was a good sign. It meant that I had enough working brain matter at bedtime to take them off before going to sleep. If I woke up and my shoes were still on this was a bad, bad sign and I’d work hard to try to remember going to bed, how I got home, what I did that night, etc... This habit goes all the way back to my “glory days” drinking in China. To this day, every morning my first thought is “Are my shoes still on?”.

Relapse—- not mine

Today’s group counseling session was very tough. There’s a nice guy in my group named Jose that I’ve always related to. He’s a Police Officer, but we have many similarities. We’ve both been married 28 years, he has 3 children, and our time sober was about the same. One night in group I said since I quit drinking my wife commented that she could see the light in my eyes again. When I said this, Jose smiled and said his wife had told him the same thing. That was all a few weeks ago. Tonight, I learned that Jose relapsed. He said he went to the store for groceries and the next thing he knew he was drunk. This lasted for four days. I was really shaken to hear this and shocked that it happened so easily. I am very grateful for how God has blessed me and protected me. Jose’s experience is a reminder to me to put my trust in God and not to doubt Him.

AA Controversy

I attended a different AA meeting today in Ft. Thomas. AA meetings are nice in that I can go to any one any where and be greeted like a long-last relative. This one was no exception, everyone was nice and welcoming, and I’ll probably go back. I did, however,run into some controversy. Our discussion subject was “Is alcoholism self-inflicted?”. I happened to go last and said that I thought alcoholism was passed on genetically like blue eyes or a predisposition to diabetes (there’s a lot of science to support my opinion), that science has shown alcoholics process alcohol differently than normal people- sending the toxin from the liver to the brain instead of quickly converting the alcohol to acetate in the liver. That being true, I said it was always my choice to drink and that I suffered a spiritual sickness that could only be cured by God. After the meeting an old guy cornered me and started lecturing me that this was garbage science, blah blah blah. Truth is, I suspected my words would get this reaction. AA is a fantastic organization, but it’s strength and weakness is it hasn’t changed since 1930. Most members are pretty tolerant, but there’s a group of fundamentalist opposed to modern medical research, and things like counseling. This behavior is nothing new, a small % of people will always stratify. For example, there’s a guy in my counseling group that hates AA and says so often, even though I’ve never heard a valid reason from him. Such extremists simply need to be ignored so they don’t impede the progress of everyone else.

Why now?

My next rehab homework assignment was to write a 3 page paper titled “Why now?”. The first half explains what brought me to this point and why I want to change. The second half details what my life would be like in 6 months if I didn’t get help. In the first part, I detailed most of the horrible incidents that led to me starting rehab. The second part was Obvious but hard to write. I clearly would have ended up dead or in jail, and I would have lost my family and my job.

Top 20

As part of my counseling, I have homework each week. This week, I needed to write down 20 reasons I used alcohol. I have to confess I only came up with 18. My list ranged from drinking to relieve emotional pain, stress, and anger to stopping bad memories, fear, relieve guilt, and also just because I liked the taste. This self examination helped me to better understand my motivations for abusing alcohol. My next assignment is a 3 page paper on why I want to quit now.

Boundaries

Several years ago, Kris’s Grandfather passed away. I was asked to be a Pall Bearer but didn’t go to the funeral because I had an important customer visiting. That was a bad decision that I’ve always regretted. Tonight in group we had a discussion on setting boundaries, and I used this story as an example. It’s always been easy for me to get worried and scared about work, and to then let that fear drive my decision making. I’ve often told the kids “don’t let fear make your decisions”. It’s ironic that that’s precisely what I did for many, many years.