Boundaries

Several years ago, Kris’s Grandfather passed away. I was asked to be a Pall Bearer but didn’t go to the funeral because I had an important customer visiting. That was a bad decision that I’ve always regretted. Tonight in group we had a discussion on setting boundaries, and I used this story as an example. It’s always been easy for me to get worried and scared about work, and to then let that fear drive my decision making. I’ve often told the kids “don’t let fear make your decisions”. It’s ironic that that’s precisely what I did for many, many years.

Father Michael

Well, today was day 30. We went to mass and met with Father Michael. We told him the short version of our complex story, and about how St Pius had played an important role. We start RCIA with Father Michael at the end of August. To celebrate day 30, I took my AA chips out of storage and put them back on my keychain. It sounds dumb, but that made me feel really, really good. God is kind, has blessed us so much, and does a much better job of running my life than I do.

Day 30

Tomorrow is a big day. It will be day 30 since my last relapse. It feels like the relapse was just a day ago, but it feels like it happened to a different person a universe away. I thank God for the huge difference in how I feel and how I think about life in general. I’m also so thankful for the huge difference my sobriety has made with my whole family. Everything is so much lighter now.

Connections

One of the big things that contributes to addictions of all types is a lack of connections. One of the great things about AA is that I have a built in connection almost everywhere I go. Walhalla is my home group, but I hadn’t been there for nearly 3 weeks, yet when I walked in last night it was like I’d never been gone. I’ve had occasion to visit four different AA meetings for the first time, and I’m always welcomed like the prodigal son. It’s great to have the support of these groups, all around the world, who will accept me without question.

Emotions

Emotions are a very common subject in Counseling Sessions. My Counselors say emotions flow from you, but they don't own you. You own them. Laura often says that we need to remember not all emotions means something. We fall into the trap of thinking that each emotion reveals something and we need to react to it, but sometimes they're just feelings that we need to recognize and let pass. Like urges to drink, they come in waves and go away.

H.A.L.T.

Last night in Group Counseling, Larry introduced the idea of H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). These are four common triggers for alcoholics (and almost everyone else, I imagine). The point was that we should be aware of ourselves and understand when we experienced stress or urges to drink if it was due to one of these factors. It sounds very simple, but a lot of my past problems were due to one or more of these factors. The remedies are very simple-- Hungry: Get something wholesome to eat (e.g. chips don't due the trick), Angry: What do I need to resolve or address?, Lonely: Need to make a connection with someone, Tired: What's your schedule been like? Allow time to rest and recharge. It's very consistent with the coping strategy I use- wait 10 minutes, say a prayer and get something to eat- which has been very effective. These coping strategies seem obvious and simple, but I clearly need to use them and get better at using them. If I had used them before I wouldn't have been the screwed up mess I was.

Overconfidence

Today is Day 21, and it presents a paradox. I no longer feel chronically tired, I no longer have the perpetual headache. I’m not bloated, and my face isn’t swollen. I feel like I was 30- strong and full of energy. All in all, I feel like declaring victory over alcohol, but therein lies the paradox. My sobriety will never be found in one total victory. It is found one day at a time, and sometimes 10 minutes at a time. While I feel strong and victorious, I need to be humble and always stay within the day. Anything else less to defeat.

Amateurs

My first impression from my Counseling group was that many of the members almost seemed like professional rehabbers. Many had been through rehab multiple times, were as fluent as a Doctor in discussing drugs and medications, and used acronyms I didn’t know like they were normal words (e.g. “I’m cranky today, but that may just be my P.A.W.”, which I learned later was “Progressive Addiction Withdrawal”). In comparison, I’m an amateur. Our whole family are amateurs in helping me get better (and lord knows we have no desire to become more professional). My amateurism showed up in how I managed the Lake Michigan cottage. Kris asked me about having alcohol in the house, and I said it was no problem. While this is true (the simple presence of alcohol is not a temptation to me), it was probably a dumb decision. Now we’ve recalibrated and I’ve asked that there be no drinking this week. This just makes sense and in talking to Kris, Kelsey, and JC, I understand this isn’t a big sacrifice for them. I’m very grateful for the support. If there’s a bigger lesson to this, I think it’s that because we don’t have experience, we might need to adjust from time to time to handle things better as a family.

Unfinished Inventory

I plan to finish my inventory today (AA Step 4, see earlier post if you don’t remember). I’m in a secure place emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and I’ve already ripped the larger skeletons out of my psychological closet. I feel like, with God in control, I’ve really moved past the need for Step 4- but I think I need to complete all the steps so I can help other people in the future. This is the main focus of my recovery now. To recover enough, to grow spiritually enough, that I can help someone else.

Hiding the booze

I had a very good counseling session yesterday. Among other things, I talked to my Counselor, Laura, about this week on Lake Michigan. She had asked about my family and i told her how supportive everyone was, then she asked if there was alcohol in the cottage. At the time, there was a lot. Two cases of beer in the fridge, at least 2 bottles of wine, and half empty beer cans and wine glasses greeting me when I got up. She asked me why. I suppose I just didn’t want to impose on everyone. Also, everyone struggles to understand my alcoholism, and people sometimes think if I stumble across a can of beer, I’ll go crazy. This is not the case and I guess I was trying to prove a point. She pointed out all the precautions I took for my trip to France and said asking people not to have beer for a couple of days didn’t seem too much to ask. Kris and I talked about it yesterday and now all the alcohol is out of the house, and I feel much more comfortable.

Sleep

I used to have such a horrible time sleeping. I would be up several times each night and would go to bed each evening at 8 or 9. I was chronically exhausted and couldn’t stand it. I understand now that I was going to bed so early because I couldn’t handle being awake and dealing with my own thoughts, worries, and anxieties. I never felt suicidal, but sleep to me was mini-suicide. I could just shut off my brain for a while and make everything stop. Of course, this proved to be as horribly ineffective as self-medicating with alcohol. When I was younger, I could always get by on about 6 hours sleep. A year ago, I thought I was getting old because I literally couldn’t get enough sleep and was in a state of chronic exhaustion. Now, I turned my addiction over to God and focus on yielding, and not trying to manage things myself. As a result, the last 2 weeks I’ve been going to bed at 10:30-11, and waking up at 5-6. Turns out I’m my old self again (or possibly a little bit better!).

“Happy”

I was talking to Kelsey yesterday and she said she was a good driver. I told her she clearly didn’t understand the meaning of “good” (LOL). I think over the last two years I really forgot what “happy” was. I would sometimes try really, really hard to be happy, but that’s about as effective as trying really hard to make yourself laugh. I also spent a lot of time pretending to be happy. In retrospect, I’m sure this was completely ineffective. To make things worse, nothing will plunge you into depression faster than faking happiness. Now, things are so different. I’m actually happy without trying, even in the face of adversity. It’s such a complete relief and a blessing greater than anything I imagined was even possible.

Gratitude

Sorry it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I just got back from my trip to France. I know everyone dreaded it and was worried about me. I think this was an entirely reasonable and logical feeling. To be completely honest, I dreaded it too. I am very happy to have made it through without any problems. It was a big week. While we took several precautions to minimize potential problems, I still had to run a gauntlet of things that have caused me problems, including unlimited access to alcohol in the airport, booze on the plane, going through a bar to check in to the hotel, two dinners with an hour of drinks before any food was served, finding out I was getting a new boss and all the uncertainty that went with it, a big well-stocked mini-bar in my last hotel room, the airport again, and home. While that sequence of situations would have probably landed me in prison in the past, I can very honestly say it was absolutely no problem for me. I have given this over to God and I don't try to control it. I'm on 15 days sober and loving every second of it. I think my big challenge at this point is to continue to grow and turn more and more of my life over to God. I'm clean, happy, and looking forward to vacation with everyone. More than anything, I'm looking forward to thinking about other people instead of thinking about myself all the time.

Social Blunders

Today is really the first time being a non-drinker has hurt me at all. As I said before, I'm getting a new boss. The old boss is having a sort of farewell bash tonight is France with the rest of his Staff, most of whom are becoming good friends of mine. The problem is that they are going to a vineyard, doing wine tasting, and having a meal including "fine wine from the region". They are arranging cars to bring them back from the party because everyone expects to be drunk. The situation isn't very tempting to me and doesn't entice me to drink, but it's obviously a bad situation for a non-drinker. I made my excuses and declined the invitation. I thought that this would not be controversial, but today I've noticed it irritated many people- including the old boss. I'm going to take this in stride. It bothers me to disappoint friends and co-workers, but I just need to let this go. It is an awful situation for me and it's best that I sit it out. If this is the worst consequence I face from not drinking, I think I'll be just fine.

Prayer

Prayer seems to make all the difference. It helps to understand my psychological issues, the chemistry and biology and how they impact me, but by far the thing that has the biggest impact is prayer. If I simply begin my day in prayer- even if it is nothing more than "please help me"- it makes all the difference in the world. The more time I commune with God, the more it helps me and makes me stronger through Him. I also have to say that I feel the prayers of those that love me giving me strength in an almost tangible way. All the other things help, but if they were peeled away I could flourish on prayer alone.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Today on the way to the meeting my boss, Philippe, told me we were getting a new VP of Quality (a new boss for me). This may not seem like a big deal, but to me this is the kind of thing that would have made me miserable in the past. What's going to happen? Will the new boss change the organization? Cut back on staff? What if they don't like me? So many questions, and in the past I would have tortured myself trying to think of all the ways in which this could go horribly wrong for me. Today, I'm handling it very differently. First, I know God is in control and I'm not. If I worry about it, God is in control. If I don't worry about it, God is still in control just as much. Second, I need to stay in today and not torture myself with things I can't control. I can't do anything about this, or how if affects me today, so I just need to worry about my job today, and that's what I'm doing. I've got to say, it's a big change. In this case, I am zero percent stressed about this and I feel great. The new way of handling stuff is a great improvement and makes life much better.

Travel Day 1

Well, my first day of travel is done and almost in the books. We took a lot of actions to minimize exposure to alcohol, but the fact is you can never shut it off. The Sam Adams bar was near my gate, wine and beer were served on my flight and train, and at the hotel I had to walk through a bar to check in. BUT I made it. Actually I had no problem at all. This is the 9th day in a row in which i’ve had zero craving.

Airport!!

Let's be completely honest, the Airport is the Kingdom of Alcohol. There's booze everywhere. Expensive booze in every restaurant and bar, free booze in the lounge, and if your flight is delayed you get a coupon for free booze. One of the reasons this is the way it is is (sorry, lots of "is" and "it" in that sentence!) everyone is bored to death. There's nothing to do while you wait on flights and half of them delay. I've fallen victim to the over-abundance of alcohol in Airports before-- last time so badly I missed my flight, rebooked, found a hotel in Chicago and wandered around in that hotel for at least two hours trying to find my room, all while (obviously) blacked out. So, it's no small wonder that all the people I love are very worried about me today. I had a bad (perhaps my worst) relapse a little more than a week ago, and today I'm going to the Kingdom of Alcohol. I can't blame everyone for being scared. For me, I feel a little guilty for being completely calm and confident about the whole thing. I wish I could make the fears of everyone else go away, but of course I can't and don't expect to. But I am honestly looking forward to getting through this without falling and building everyone's confidence back up, at least a little. Daniel

Meeting New People

Last night was my first time with my counseling group from my IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). I’m definitely the amateur of the group. All seem to have been through rehab, some several times. They know all the drug names for medications inside and out and use acronyms I don’t know like they’re common words. My counselor is very good. His name is Larey and he’s patient and positive. He’s also a recovered alcoholic who’s been dry 22 years. Each week we have to report how we’re doing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I said physically I was doing better and had improved my diet, spiritually I had really had a breakthrough, and emotionally I was split. I was very good because I had spent the week at home, but feeling a little vulnerable because of my upcoming trip. Larry gave some methods to help. I need to think about bad situations I might face and three escape plans for each one (e.g. leave, call someone, etc..). I’ll work on this before I leave. He also pointed out that cravings come in waves. We think we need to defeat them at their height, but we often just need to wait them out.

Tattoo

Got my first tattoo yesterday. It says "Philippians 4:13" on my left forearm. I'm really happy about it, and I'm also to be past panicking about if it would be misspelled or the wrong verse or something. Phil. 4:13 is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". People often think it just means that God will give you power to do something great, but it's even more than that. The full paragraph in the Bible (written by the Apostle Paul) is: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Being content in all circumstances, relying on God to provide. This means more to me than I can fully express.

Allergies

My counselor used an example that was very helpful to me in understanding my self. When alcohol, my body chemistry and my spiritual state combine, they create an allergic reaction. Some of this, I firmly believe is genetic (I am convinced alcoholism is passed in our DNA), part is chemical (alcoholics are proven to process alcohol differently than normal people- we are irreparably broken in this way), and part is spiritual. Regardless of the factors, it is an allergy. If I ingest alcohol it creates a series of horrendous effect which I cannot control. My Counselor said try to control alcoholism by willpower is the same as if a person with a peanut allergy decided that they were going to eat peanuts, but this time they were going to try really, really hard not to have the throat swell up and their breathing stop. It's a real puzzle. I cannot "try" my way out of alcoholism. I cannot "will my way through it". It's impossible. Oddly, the solution is to not try. If I don't try, I just let God handle it (and I must say he's been doing a pretty danged could job the last several days!). God's power is a power that surpasses anything I can ever do. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize the solution to my problem was to not try at all.

Frustration

Sorry for not writing anything yesterday. I'm feeling wordy and I'm sure I'll catch up with things today. Yesterday was busy. AA in the morning, mowing the lawn, followed by an 8 mile kayak trip that somehow took almost 6 hours. I wanted to be back from kayaking by 4:30 so I could finish everything in my Inventory, then go to my first IOP session at 6:30. Our phones got wet about 3 minutes into the kayak trip, so we used our skill of estimating time by looking at the position of the sun. I guess we didn't do too well, because we thought we were finishing our trip at about 3:30 and were almost 3 hours off. Now, for most people this may not have been a big deal, but for me it's the kind of thing that causes a lot of frustration. It's not just that we were late or missed something, I'm not a stickler on schedule, but I extrapolate. To me, that means my inventory will remain open and I wanted to close it when I was at home and not quite as emotionally vulnerable. Missing the first group counseling meeting meant that I had missed my first opportunity and was off to a bad start with everyone. Since I was off to a bad start, this meant the whole thing would go bad. Since I missed the meeting that would mean that I wouldn't even start group sessions until Monday, and this would disappoint all the people who love me and are so invested in my recovery and that meant they would be even more worried about me during my upcoming trip. I know, that sounds pretty crazy, but that's the way my brain works. In my professional life, believe it or not, this thinking pattern is an asset. Everyone works on the crisis of the day and I can look ahead and understand what the chain of consequences might be. I've prevented a number of horrible issues because of this and am actually a little famous for my foresight. I actually get pulled in to a lot of hot issues because I'm very good at "If this, then that" thinking. Now, this kind of thing would never have caused me to drink- but it's a good chance for me to use some skills to manage my anxiety. I slowed myself down and started to take the pieces of the issue rationally. First, I had to talk about it. I talked openly to Kris and actually expressed my feeling. Next, I'm home all week and there's plenty of time to work on my inventory. Also, I've already uncovered my nightmare issues, what I have to do now is complete the paperwork so I can go to the next step. Second, I wanted to blame all this on Kris (she kept wanting to stop and swim because it was so hot), but actually we both estimated the time. Finally, I had to think through consequences in detail and understand the nightmare scenario wasn't reality. I'm getting help, I'm in good shape, and waiting to Monday is not a big deal. Also, I have a 1-1 session tomorrow so I'm really worried about nothing. In the end, they didn't have the meeting because it was a holiday, so go figure. All of that anxiety for nothing. But for me, it was a really good overall experience.

My Higher Power

I had a 60 minute orientation with my IOP tonight. The presenter was a very sassy Puerto Rican lady named Theresa. She presented the basic recovery process steps and the trait gift we get from each step. 1.Recognizing you have a problem (=Honesty), 2.admitting you can't fix the problem (=Integrity), 3.realizing only God can solve your problem (=faith), and 4.admitting what we are responsible for (=courage). I've had trouble at all these steps,but my biggest issue was that I was harboring a secret belief that I could actually manage this on my own. Perhaps I needed a little help, but that was all. After all, I'm a problem solver. It's what I do for a living. My family comes to me with all kinds of problems on a regular basis. But I had to admit (finally) this was a problem I couldn't solve. She said some people don't like to talk about God in these steps so they say "Higher Power" instead. She said when she came to step 3, she already knew her Higher Power. It was alcohol. Her God was alcohol. She'd do anything for it. She'd sacrifice her safety, her family, her job... all for alcohol. It's clear that alcohol was in charge. I said it sounded like a cult- you give up everything for your master and get nothing in return. I can say her experience was the same as mine. The Bible talks a lot about worshipping false gods. I always thought this meant statues and idols, but for me my false god, my Higher Power, was alcohol. It was Friday last when I surrendered control and put God in place as my God again.

Stressed Out!

I've been feeling very good the past few days. Much of this is because I've been surrounded by people that love me and it's very uplifting, some of this is because the AA process has already helped me, and some of it is because I'm looking forward to my IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). However, it hasn't all been sunshine and roses. I was extremely stressed out yesterday. I felt some letdown after getting the meds and IOP all lined up (e.g. the day after Christmas letdown), but I had used most of the day on it, and I still had a bunch of stuff to do for work. The Europe meeting is coming up and I was rearranging flights and hotels, and I have major presentations to do that aren't ready yet. Also, the VP of Ops is on my case about pool heater systems that he thought had a defect which would cause them to explode (it won't, so swim without fear). In addition, my new meds are pretty harsh and I was very worried about having a severe reaction (I didn't- worst case is I feel like I had Dayquil). You know what? Zero urge to drink. I talked about things with Mom- who gave me some great advice, slowed myself down and started dealing with the things I had to deal with right now. Within 10 minutes I was OK. It was a great experience. It felt good to handle stress and worry like a normal person again.

Big Day

Today was a big day. Most of you know the details already but I want to write about it. Looking back, I did some heavy praying and soul-baring self-confrontation Thursday night into Friday morning. In the end I knw that God would provide on this at lead me out. Today is just another example. On Friday, Mom and I were driving to LaGrange and had this idea that there might be some medicine that would make me sick if I drank alcohol, but we really wanted to start before my trip overseas to help me and give everyone some piece of mind. We called one place this morning and they said "No". I had to be in there counseling group and many other things. In desperation, Mom said to try Independence Family Medicine. When I called and said what I wanted they asked for my name and birthdate. When I told them, they surprised me by saying that my Doctor was Debbie, but she was out so I could see Doctor Gabby at 11, 1:20, or 2 TODAY. I was stunned. I had never been to that Doctor before and it usually takes 2-3 MONTHS before they will see a new patient. This place had me as an established patient??? AND they would see me this morning???? Of course I did not bother to correct them. At 11, Mom and I showed up to check in at the office and said a quick prayer in the car before going in. They lady asked me if I stilled lived on Cheyenne Street and if I was still married to Leah. "Nope" I said. The ladies at reception couldn't find my records. All 3 of them huddled together at the desk trying to figure out, while Mom and I tried to act chill. Finally, one lady said "well, I can't figure out what happened but I'll just fill it in like you're a new patient, then you can go to see the Doctor". After our appointment was over, we chatted with the same lady during checkout and she said "Daniel Othelsomething" and I had the same birthdate and the receptionist thought I was him when I checked him. We were sure she figured out I wasn't a legit established patient, but was just being nice to let us in to see the Doctor. At the end of this story, I have the medication. I blocks alcohol in my system so I can't get drunk and will make me violently ill if I drink alcohol. We've applied to our insurance for the version that comes in an injection, but we're very grateful for what we have. I thank God and I thank Him for my inspired, intelligent, and crafty wife. More on this later....

The "24 Hour Plan"

Using the 24-hour plan In our drinking days, we often had such bad times that we swore, "Never again." We took pledges for as long as a year, or promised someone we would not touch the stuff for three weeks, or three months. And of course, we tried going on the wagon for various periods of time. We were absolutely sincere when we voiced these declarations through gritted teeth. With all our hearts, we wanted never to be drunk again. We were determined. We swore off drinking altogether, intending to stay off alcohol well into some indefinite future. Yet, in spite of our intentions, the outcome was almost inevitably the same. Eventually, the memory of the vows, and of the suffering that led to them, faded. We drank again, and we wound up in more trouble. Our dry "forever" had not lasted very long. Some of us who took such pledges had a private reservation: We told ourselves that the promise not to drink applied only to "hard stuff," not to beer or wine. In that way we learned, if we did not already know it, that beer and wine could get us drunk, too—we just had to drink more of them to get the same effects we got on distilled spirits. We wound up as stoned on beer or wine as we had been before on the hard stuff. Yes, others of us did give up alcohol completely and did keep our pledges exactly as promised, until the time was up.... Then we ended the drought by drinking again, and were soon right back in trouble, with an additional load of new guilt and remorse. With such struggles behind us now, in AA we try to avoid the expressions "on the wagon" and "taking the pledge." They remind us of our failures. Although we realize that alcoholism is a permanent, irreversible condition, our experience has taught us to make no long-term promises about staying sober. We have found it more realistic—and more successful—to say, "I am not taking a drink just for today." Even if we drank yesterday, we can plan not to drink today. We may drink tomorrow—who knows whether we'll even be alive then?—but for this 24 hours, we decide not to drink. No matter what the temptation or provocation, we determine to go to any extremes necessary to avoid a drink today. Our friends and families are understandably weary of hearing us vow "This time I really mean it," only to see us lurch home loaded. So we do not promise them, or even each other, not to drink. Each of us promises only herself or himself. It is, after all, our own health and life at stake. We, not our family or friends, have to take the necessary steps to stay well. If the desire to drink is really strong, many of us chop the 24 hours down into smaller parts. We decide not to drink for, say, at least one hour. We can endure the temporary discomfort of not drinking for just one more hour; then one more, and so on. Many of us began our recovery in just this way. In fact, every recovery from alcoholism began with one sober hour. One version of this is simply postponing the (next) drink. (How about it? Still sipping soda? Have you really postponed that drink we mentioned back on page 1? If so, this can be the beginning of your recovery.) The next drink will be available later, but right now, we postpone taking it at least for the present day, or moment (Say, for the rest of this page?) The 24-hour plan is very flexible. We can start it afresh at any time, wherever we are. At home, at work, in a bar or in a hospital room, at 4:00 p.m. or at 3:00 a.m., we can decide right then not to take a drink during the forthcoming 24 hours, or five minutes. Continually renewed, this plan avoids the weakness of such methods as going on the wagon or taking a pledge. A period on the wagon and a pledge both eventually came, as planned, to an end—so we felt free to drink again. But today is always here, life is daily; today is all we have; and anybody can go one day without drinking. First, we try living in the now just in order to stay sober—and it works. Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is an effective and satisfying way to handle many other matters as well

A good day

Yesterday was easy for me at Keplingers. We've been very open with our friends about my alcoholism, and honestly they'd all be weirded out if I drank. I also had a very, very good talk with Grandma and she gave me a book to read. As someone with a Masters Degree in Biology, she has done some research on the biology that goes along with alcoholism that may help me manage my life better. I'll post on that later, but I need to research it and understand it better first.