IOP Program

Finding help

I wanted to share two failure big pieces of news since yesterday. While we were driving, we came up with an we talked to Paul Keplinger about it last night. The first medicine blocks the effect of alcohol in my body, I won't be able to feel the effects no matter how much I drink. The second one will make me puke and feel very sick ( like a bad stomach flu), if I drink. Paul thinks these are a good idea for me. I called my NP in Seneca and moved up my appointment to 7/23, and I'll ask her for the meds then. The first one is an injection that lasts for a month. Now, these aren't permanent solutions. But I think for 6 months or so, it can help me get over the goal line. Also it will help Mom not worry so much. The other thing is Intensive Outpatient Rehab. I found one that is Skype based, so I can do it from Cincy or SC, and most importantly I can start it right away. It's a month and is 3 3 hour counseling sessions and a 90 minute one on one call with my counselor. I can also do it for longer if I want. I think this will help me improving my coping skills. I'll try to post the information from it on here. When I said I felt God moving in my life, I didn't mean some magic power. This is what I meant- that he would guide me to solutions to help and save me.

New Life

I really had a breakthrough last night. I prayed and prayed and worked through everything that was bothering me (see the two posts from earlier tonight. God has really answered my prayers and has given me victory of alcohol. I can feel the power running all the way through my body. I feel like I'm ready to burst and there's no one to tell. I woke up Kris at 5 to tell her, which probably wasn't the best decision. I am so grateful, I feel like I can win this struggle. I am so blessed.

Getting better

I'm getting better. I know, with my newfound ability to fall flat on my face and be the family scourge, it doesn't look like it- but I am. I have learned things about myself I never could have even begun to process before. My inventory was painful but it just uncovered wounds and worries that were there before. I've done an extremely shitty job of working through these issues but the process is working. I don't want to be this person. I REFUSE to be this person. I'm putting myself into a role based on fear and cowardice and I just am not going to do it. I'm going to be me again. NOW. I reject this whole thing, this gigantic lie from Satan. He sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear that I can't do it, that I'm a failure and a lost cause, that I'm just a liar and a fraud. That isn't me. I am a screw up and I do honestly feel like most of my career is based on making things up as I go, and I have been a liar- so maybe these things are all true. Oh God, even writing that tore me up. It tore me up because it's all true. That's why Satan is powerful, he uses the truth to tear us down, and his timing is impeccable. He goes after us when we're making progress. This week, I was in AA and talked about the process I had been going through and how God has really blessed me. I have people come up to me after the meeting and tell me how much they appreciated what I had shared. The next day I got drunk. That voice in my ear started as soon as I drove away from AA. I was lonely, no one cared, I was a fraud. Yesterday was the same, we had a breakthrough and it started again- you'll never find a job, you're trapped here, you're too old.... I'm not the greatest guy. I am deeply flawed. But I don't have to be the horrible person I act like. Yes, there are many bad things about me, but I'm loved by many people, and I love them. I'm working through a process with AA that is working. I'm not going to be pulled off of that when I'm close to success. I am getting better. I'm this first to admit I'm not 100% there, but I'm a hell of a lot better that I was a few months ago.

Screwing up

So this blog is a lot more fun to write when I'm working through my issues. This blog entry is different. This blog entry to about me screwing up. Again. This is completely honest, although I have a strong feeling its going to sound like BS. I guess I'm apologizing in advance. Thursday morning was huge for me. We made a decision that I was going to move home and find a new job. I was so excited. It's like a dream come true to be at home. I've lived in SC for more than a year on my own and I can't stand it. It's so horribly painful and lonely. The loneliness is excruciating. When we made the commitment/ decision to take a probable pay cut so I could be at home, I was almost euphoric. So what happened? I got scared. Scared of everything. Scared of failing at this plan, scared of not actually being able to find a job. I've been applying for other jobs for almost the entire year I've been in South Carolina. I can't even get responses from anyone anymore. I'm too old, overqualified, and my work history is sketchy. The happiness I found in thinking about living at home turned into hell. That sounds dumb, doesn't it? I wish I could dress it up and make it sound better, but its just the truth. Even writing about it now makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Feelings

It's a very weird experience for a man to talk to other men about his feelings. It's incredibly strange. With my sponsor and other friends, I can really talk about anything- how I feel, what scares me, what I'm worried about- and I can do it for old issues I've buried under the surface and anything new. I guess this is easier for women (I don't really know, of course) but for me it's nothing I've ever experienced before AA. In AA, whether it be in Florence, Walhalla, or anywhere else, there are people I can literally say anything to. It's very helpful to my mental health and feels perfectly natural, but when I reflect on it, it's really amazing. I'm sure, for example, this open sharing of everything is something my father has never experienced.

Communication

I think I would have never become an alcoholic if there was better communication in my family. My family is very good at not talking about anything. My Father was abused by his (probably) schizophrenic Father. His entire family never talk about it. They are so good at putting a happy face on bad things that my brother actually named his son after my Dad's monstrous mentally ill Father. My Mother brought her own non-communication skills to the marriage. Her oldest sister had a different Father than the rest of the 11 siblings- my Grandmother had a first, brief marriage as a teenager. No one knew this until my Grandmother died. My own Mother was a 17 year old High School dropout with a shotgun wedding and hid this from all of us. When Mom and Dad combined, they excelled at making sure we never communicated about anything uncomfortable. My sister got pregnant at 17 and they proceeded to act like it never happened. They adopted Nick and didn't tell him until he was in his 30's. So..... I was raised in this family where we would never, ever talk about anything bad. As I result, I kept a lot of things inside. Things that followed me like a dark dark cloud. Things that made me miserable inside my own head. Things that somedays made my life feel like hell. BUT, I was taught well and threw myself into acting like everything was OK. After years of wrapping myself around my own axels with unexpressed anxiety, fear, worry, and anger I drank to medicate myself and help me not think about every bad thing I was expressing. If I had just managed to talk about my feelings and make connections, I don't think I would have ever become an alcoholic. In fact, I'm sure I would not have. It wasn't until AA that I had people I could talk to that understood the stupidity and weirdness of this disease and could help me find my way out.

Inventory- Fears

I need to finish working on the next step of my inventory, which is fears. I'm procrastinating, which is not a good thing. I don't really have any uncovered issues, but I hate confronting the things I'm afraid of. I guess that's the whole point of the exercise. I'll carve out some time to work on it tonight.

Genetics

I drank because of my own unresolved issues, but there's a lot of evidence that genetics may be a factor in alcoholism. Everyone in our family should be very careful. My Aunt drank herself to death over several years. At one point, her Doctor was trying to get her to only have one glass of wine in the morning. My Grandfather Heltzel died before I was born, but there's some evidence that he was an alcoholic, and I'm pretty sure my Uncle Don is an alcoholic too. This doesn't mean none of my children can drink, but everyone should be very careful because there's a chance you already have some genetic predisposition to alcoholism.

Every day

Sobriety is a challenge every day. I don't mean that I have a constant craving to drink. I don't actually have any craving at all. But my focus needs to always be to get through the next 24 hours. If I starting thinking about things like never having a beer for the rest of my life, I'm sure to lose. Every day, 24 hours at a time.

The Big Book

The guiding book for AA is the Big Book, put together by AA founder Bill Wilson back in the 1930's. I read this today, and it seemed to explain a lot about me and my problems with alcohol: "Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control."

Alcohol Test 6/23

Alcohol Test 6/21

Alcohol test covering any alcohol consumption over the last 80 hours.

The availability of alcohol

Sometimes people wonder about whether they can have alcohol around when they're with me. This isn't as big of an issue and a lot of people think it is. There were 14 places that sold alcohol on the 15 minute drive from work and the dog house, so availability of alcohol is a non-issue. In my life I basically have free unlimited alcohol available to me almost all the time. From my perspective, it's best not to have the big boxes of wine around or a large quantity of beer in the fridge because there's no accountability to it. But having a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer in the house is not a big thing with me, just like if we're at dinner and you have beer-- I don't really care, it doesn't matter to me and is really no temptation at all. Just sayin'.

Step #4 Inventory Continued

I've completed my Fears inventory, now it's time for me to start the last part of Step #4 (Fearless Moral Inventory of Our Wrongs), called "Sex Conduct and Harm to Others". For each item, I need to list 1. Who did I hurt?, 2. What did I do to them?, 3. Did I unjustifiably arouse jealously, suspicion, or bitterness? 4. Was I at fault, being selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? and 5. What should I have done instead. Doesn't sound fun.

Missed opportunities

With Mom down here in Seneca this week, I've been doing AA online. I did one today that was a chat room. This meeting is usually pretty good, but as things online do, today's meeting got kind of stupid. A new guy was leading the meeting and was being kind of an ass. Another guy clearly hated him and kept making nasty comments the whole time. This was basically just a wasted meeting- but at the end a new person logged on and said they were a college student and wished they could stop drinking but couldn't. People tried to talk to them, but they were obviously weirded out by the stupid behavior in a chat room. They said they could talk and logged out. Who knows when this person will reach out again.... it could be years. Hopefully they'll reach out again, but it was awful to lose an opportunity to help someone who really needed it.

Responsibility

I worry a little that as I share my progress through the AA Steps, you may misunderstand something very important. Responsibility. I am responsible for my drinking. It was always because of me. There was nothing anyone ever did that made me drink. I made me drink. It was never anyone's fault but my own. Sadly, there was nothing anyone else could have done to fix it either. I had to reach that point all on my own.

Fears

I'm working on my fear inventory right now. It's part of step #4. I have to list all of my fears then answer 3 questions for each one. Those questions are 1) Why?, 2. How did self-reliance fail?, and 3. How could trusting and relying on God help? For example, one of my big fears is not being able to provide for my family. If I go through the questions, it goes like this: 1.) Why? Because I know that everyone relies on my for all of their wants and needs and I know that if I lost my job or screwed up money management, everyone I loved would suffer for it. 2.) How did self-reliance fail? Self-reliance fails because I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well at my job and I have lived in constant fear of losing my job. As a consequence I have made decisions our of fear. One of the reasons I drank was to relieve the pressure I had put on myself. 3.) How could trusing and relying on God help? The Bible says that each day has enough worries of it's own. That God provides for the birds and flowers, and that he will provide for you even more. I need to trust God to take care of all of us, because He will.

Bottoms

In AA, they're are phrases people say all the time, kind of the lingo of AA. One of those phrases is "You have to let the alcoholic find their own bottom". I giggle every time I hear that, and no one else seems to find it funny.

AA 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

6/18 Alcohol Test

Covers the last 80 hours

Liberty

Tonight's meeting topic was liberty. That struck me as really odd at first. The reading was about if a person was free from fear, resentment and alcohol, they would have the liberty to become well and anyone would do it given freedom of choice. It seems like a strange topic, but I think it really applied to me. I was a slave, not so much to alcohol, but to the things I was afraid of. There's a long list of things, from being forgotten or alone, to losing my job, not being able to provide for my family, and many many other things. those fears ran my life. My fears also included a fear that I might be an alcoholic. My Grandmother Heltzel was always afraid she would get cancer. As a result, she never went to a Doctor because she was afraid of finding out she had cancer. She worked as a Nurses Aid in LaGrange and died of Viral Hepatitis should probably contracted at work because she never went to a Doctor about her symptoms. I needed to go to AA a long time ago, and life for all of us would have been easier- but I was afraid to find out I was an alcoholic. Instead I tried to fix things myself---- which obviously didn't go to well. Now I feel free and liberated for the first time in years, and I'm so, so grateful.

Mondays

It's been a good Monday, the weekend was nice and Father's Day (while too short) was really nice. I appreciated all the cool gifts and I really hope I do better as a Father this year. One bad thing about Monday can be AA. AA meetings on Monday can be a little rough. People tend to have a hard time on weekends. Meetings on Thursday and Friday can be pretty jovial. Monday tends to be pretty subdued. Right now, I'm working on the second part of my inventory (step #4). You would all think the first draft was funny because it includes heights, rats, and snakes. I don't think it will be too hard to do- a lot of just an extension of the first part of my inventory. The whole process is very helpful. For example, I have a fear of being isolated and alone. There's nothing to do about that right now. I have a job in South Carolina and my family is in Kentucky or Pennsylvania. I realize now this had been a dark cloud following me around. Recognizing it is one of my fears (something I hate) helps me to recognize it and then deal with it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but learning to be honest with yourself about what bothers you is the first and biggest step in overcoming it. It doesn't make everything bad disappear, but it does make it so you can deal with it--- which is much better than acting like it doesn't exist.

First Alcohol Test taken 6/15, two lines is a negative result meaning I haven't had alcohol in my system for 80 hours. It's a urine test. If I used water or something else, the result would be inconclusive- not negative. I'll take on every 3-4 days for the next 90 days.

Cashiers

An AA member is welcomed to any AA meeting anywhere, so like a lot of people when I travel I stop by other meetings. Last night, on my way up to Cherokee I stopped at the meeting in Cashiers, North Carolina. Cashiers in on a windy road at the top of a small mountain. It looks more like Metamora, Indiana than any other place I've been. It's full of old lady craft stores and art shops. AA takes everyone and there's never any separation of classes. In Cashiers, the meeting had a few good old boys in overalls driving rusted out fenderless pickups, and old rich people who had their second home on top of the mountain. I started to realize something was strange when people in this Southwestern North Carolina meeting started talking and didn't have southern accents. This meeting was on service, and people had really heartbreaking stories of people they were helping and had tried to help. Service is a big part of AA, but I'm not qualified for most of it yet. I have to go farther in the steps to do a lot of it. In the meantime, my service will be taking out the garbage at the AA meeting, which isn't too bad. I continue to feel good and very positive about everything. I drive up to Independence this afternoon after my meetings and hit an AA group in Florence once I get home.

Nightmares

I stopped having nightmares. I'm not 100% sure this is related to sobriety, but I used to have awful nightmares every night-- not just one, but nightmares pretty much all night long. It's been several days since I had one. I still have dreams, but they're happy nonsensical things that don't bother me. It's been odd not waking up all disturbed 3-4 times each night, feeling sick about going back to sleep. I'm sure I'll have a nightmare again, after all, all humans do, but I'd be very happy if the awful dreams I used to have are done with.

Pink Roses

I just received an e-mail notice that the flowers we ordered for Sandy Garrett's funeral had been delivered. Instead of lilies or traditional funeral flowers we sent a dozen pink roses. They were a better reflection of how we felt about her-- funny, sweet, nice to be around. Alcohol abuse is a terrible, horrific thing.

Rough start

Today got off to a rough start. I suppose this was due to several reasons. First, my boss's visit was over and there's a natural letdown that goes along with that. Second, I knew I had of bunch of work to catch up since he had taken all of my time while he was here. Third, and most importantly of all, I had a growing realization that I needed to get more deeply involved in AA. This means going even deeper into the steps than I had, and beginning service work. This service work ranges from helping to clean up after the meetings to going to prisons and helping to lead AA groups. I had visited the Juvenile facility in Goshen years ago and it scared the crap out of me. I'm not eager to see the adult version of these people in a prison environment. On the other hand, I've learned several of my friends in AA did time in prison and I can accept them without reservation. I called my sponsor, Joe, about this and he put me to work on the next part of step #4, which is listing and dealing with all my fears (being alone will be #1, followed by heights and snakes!). We'll talk about service and more details of things tonight. I'm glad to have Joe to work with. He doesn't take any crap, but he's very nice. Life is a surprise. I never thought I'd be in AA, and certainly never thought my mentor would be an old bald guy from upstate South Carolina.

AA Traditions Night

Tonight at AA was Traditions Night. One night a week we go through one of the 12 AA Traditions (not to be confused with the 12 Steps). Today, it was tradition #8 that AA was not organized. There's a General Services Organization in New York, but each AA meeting is allowed to do what the members want as long as it follows the traditions. There's no President or Officers, no Boards or Committees. They also don't accept donations from anyone who isn't a member, never advertise, and can't own property. I was late to the meeting because I was in a meeting with my boss, but it was still a useful meeting to attend. One guy had started a while after me and relapsed then showed back up tonight. I stayed after to talk to him and encourage him a little. He's very nice, but very troubled. I hope I see him again tomorrow.

A Good Day to Listen

It's been a good day at work, but a long day. I feel like I talked half the day, and I spent a lot of time last night at AA talking. I'm looking forward to going to my meeting tonight and just listening. Hopefully the weird lady won't be there to complain about her Walmart co-workers! Still can't get over the shock of finding out Sandy died. I shared this after the meeting last night, but I don't really feel like bringing it up again. She was only 47, had kids and grandkids and just finished her Purdue degree. Such a nice, funny person, too. Alcohol is a really terrible thing. Everyone laughs about it, and acts like it's funny when people pass out and do stupid things, but it's really a national tragedy.

Alcohol Test

I ordered EtG test strips online that should arrive later this week. It's a urine test that detects if alcohol has been in your system in the past 80 hours. I want to use this as a tool to hold me accountable. I plan to take the test every 3-4 days and post the result on here (assuming I can post a picture which I think I can, but haven't tried yet). The more openness I can have about my sobriety, the better. I think I should be able to post my first test result on Friday when I get home.

Example from Step #4

There's a lot of information in Step #4, but the concept can be a little hard to understand. I thought it might help if I gave an example: The first person on my resentment list was my Mother. I resented her for many reasons: She gave me up to be raised by someone else when I was little and she was sick, and when she was well again, she still wasn't particularly interested or engaged, she's been rude to my wife and mother-in-law many times, and she doesn't pay any attention to my wonderful, beautiful, intelligent children. There are many other things on that list, as you can probably imagine. My Dad was second because he's always been passive with Mom and our relationship. This is a Father that literally never threw me a baseball, didn't teach me how to ride a bike, never shot baskets, nothing. When I pray for patience and understanding, I realize that although they are pretty disconnected they do love me (and each of you). I realize that my Father was definitely an abused child and I think my Mom probably had a tough childhood also. I also realize my Mom was overwhelmed with a house full of kids and had a hard time managing them. I realize that I was at fault for constantly trying to get their attention and approval, even as an adult. As a result, I put your Mom through a lot of trouble and pain while I was trying to get Mom and Dad to be impressed with me. I still love my Mom and Dad, but I have given up on needing to impress them. Do you realize that since Mom and I were married, I've lived alone for four years? I only spent three years without children. Each time I lived alone (living in Dongguan, then Zhongshan, living in Texas, the PA until we moved, living in KY until every moved and now living alone in SC), it seemed logical and I was actually the one who drove the decision- but my feelings of abandonment and being forgotten all came to the forefront and had a lot to do with my alcoholism. As a result of this (and a lot more) in the 4th step, I've become to understand much more about myself and why I drank to the point of near-destruction. By understanding what drove me to my crazy illogical behavior and I can understand how to keep myself from doing it again.

Tonight at AA..... Tonight at AA was good, although a little annoying. In AA, there's a usually some kind of reading then people make comments. Usually, what people share is good, helpful and interesting-- but every once in a while what people have to share is annoying and not very helpful. Tonight's meeting featured a lady prattling on about how much she hated every one she worked with at WalMart. After the meeting I stayed about an hour to talk with my sponsor and a couple of other older guys about the first part of my step #4 inventory (see my other post if you don't know what that is). It was good to talk through it with them and they thought I had made a lot of progress. We all know I have a long way to go. I have a really good support structure in AA with names of guys in SC and KY I can call and talk to if I need them. They've warned me many times that they're going to be pissed if I don't call.

Inventory

OK, so most of this blog will be how I'm feeling and my progress in going through the 12 steps. Some are easier than others. Here they are: 1. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 4. Made a searching a fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Let's stop there. I'm on #4. #1 and #2 were pretty easy. My history makes it painfully clear to all of us that I was powerless over alcohol and that only God could restore my life to sanity. No problem. #3 was pretty difficult. I could say I was turning my life over to God, but actually doing it took a lot of soul searching and prayer. I accept that if I turn this over to God, he can handle it. And if I try to do it, I do a really shitty job of running that part of my life. As I said, I'm working on #4 now. It's pretty difficult. In the first part of this step, you need to write down all the people, ideas, institutions, etc... that you have resentment for. My list was pretty long. Next you need to pray for each one of these people understanding that, like an alcoholic, they may be suffering from a spiritual sickness. You pray for patience and understanding and that you can deal with it without anger or seeking retribution. Finally you go through each one and determine where you may have been at fault-- specifically were you selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or fearful. Working through these parts of step #4 requires a lot of soul searching and is not a fun experience. Once through this, I need to go to the next part of step #4 which is where I caused anyone harm- this would include pretty much everyone in our family. The final part of step #4 is to go through things which cause me to be fearful. As with everything is step four, I need to go through it with a sponsor (or two) and reconcile each issue I have. All in all, step #4 is probably very good for your mental health but one unearths issues you don't want to deal with and have suppressed. You are strongly advised at the beginning of the process to work through this with your sponsor. I failed to do that and had to go back and do things over. Tonight, I'm staying after AA with one of my sponsors to go through my inventory step my step. It won't be fun, but it's something I need to do. I'll write more on the other steps later.

Sandy Garret and 3 others

Sandy Garrett died yesterday from alcohol. Sandy was kind and sweet and funny. She was younger than me. This seemed like an isolated tragedy until I thought about it. We've had four people close to use die from alcohol. Rex Price (again, younger than me), Craig Prill, Dawn Keplinger's brother and now Sandy. It makes me wonder how close I've been to death before. Probably closer than I'd like to know.

My name is Daniel, and I'm an alcoholic.

It was about 35 days ago when I realized I was an alcoholic. I wasn't sure how that happened or how it was even possible, but I knew it was. Those close to me worry about me as I work my way through sobriety, and this blog is my attempt at open communication as I go through all the steps and to let my loved one's know how I'm doing. It also helps me to hold myself accountable. One day at a time.