Getting better

I'm getting better. I know, with my newfound ability to fall flat on my face and be the family scourge, it doesn't look like it- but I am. I have learned things about myself I never could have even begun to process before. My inventory was painful but it just uncovered wounds and worries that were there before. I've done an extremely shitty job of working through these issues but the process is working. I don't want to be this person. I REFUSE to be this person. I'm putting myself into a role based on fear and cowardice and I just am not going to do it. I'm going to be me again. NOW. I reject this whole thing, this gigantic lie from Satan. He sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear that I can't do it, that I'm a failure and a lost cause, that I'm just a liar and a fraud. That isn't me. I am a screw up and I do honestly feel like most of my career is based on making things up as I go, and I have been a liar- so maybe these things are all true. Oh God, even writing that tore me up. It tore me up because it's all true. That's why Satan is powerful, he uses the truth to tear us down, and his timing is impeccable. He goes after us when we're making progress. This week, I was in AA and talked about the process I had been going through and how God has really blessed me. I have people come up to me after the meeting and tell me how much they appreciated what I had shared. The next day I got drunk. That voice in my ear started as soon as I drove away from AA. I was lonely, no one cared, I was a fraud. Yesterday was the same, we had a breakthrough and it started again- you'll never find a job, you're trapped here, you're too old.... I'm not the greatest guy. I am deeply flawed. But I don't have to be the horrible person I act like. Yes, there are many bad things about me, but I'm loved by many people, and I love them. I'm working through a process with AA that is working. I'm not going to be pulled off of that when I'm close to success. I am getting better. I'm this first to admit I'm not 100% there, but I'm a hell of a lot better that I was a few months ago.