Screwing up

So this blog is a lot more fun to write when I'm working through my issues. This blog entry is different. This blog entry to about me screwing up. Again. This is completely honest, although I have a strong feeling its going to sound like BS. I guess I'm apologizing in advance. Thursday morning was huge for me. We made a decision that I was going to move home and find a new job. I was so excited. It's like a dream come true to be at home. I've lived in SC for more than a year on my own and I can't stand it. It's so horribly painful and lonely. The loneliness is excruciating. When we made the commitment/ decision to take a probable pay cut so I could be at home, I was almost euphoric. So what happened? I got scared. Scared of everything. Scared of failing at this plan, scared of not actually being able to find a job. I've been applying for other jobs for almost the entire year I've been in South Carolina. I can't even get responses from anyone anymore. I'm too old, overqualified, and my work history is sketchy. The happiness I found in thinking about living at home turned into hell. That sounds dumb, doesn't it? I wish I could dress it up and make it sound better, but its just the truth. Even writing about it now makes me feel sick to my stomach.